Parenting Archives - Page 11 of 21

18/07/201515/04/2017

Enjoying the difference

The other day I had taken the kids to the dentist. As he cleaned N’s teeth tching tching at how she needed to learn to brush better, H noticing his beard and cap, asked in not too quiet a whisper (he is completely incapable of whispering), “Mama is he a Muslim?” I nodded a trifle embarrassed. Undeterred he went on, “Muslims wear caps na ma? That’s how I know. We read about it in class.” “Yes they do”, said I hoping the questioning would end right there.

Even as I struggled with the feeling of embarrassment I wondered why I was feeling so uncomfortable. From H’s point of view it was a perfectly innocent, though a tad personal, query. I asked myself whether I would have been equally embarrassed had he asked, “That aunty is wearing a bindi, does that mean she’s a Hindu?” I still do not know.

I was reminded of a similar incident while on a recent holiday at Lucknow. At a curio shop outside the Bara Imambara I found myself standing next to two burqua clad women. One of them picked up a small box and asked the vendor, ‘What is this?” and he replied off-handedly, “It’s of no use to you, it’s a sindoor-box’ (vermilion powder used by married Hindu women). The ladies smiled and put it back. I noticed the easy exchange wondering at how simply the religious difference had been mentioned, accepted and dismissed.

Perhaps that’s something special to Lucknow – that acceptance of the difference without attaching any judgement to it, where being a Hindu or a Muslim is just a way of life, where one can point out the difference without fear of being misunderstood.

While the uneducated/politically motivated lot insists on the ‘I/We are the best’ philosophy, the apparently educated/balanced lot go with the ‘We are equal/same’ philosophy.

Girls and boys are the same, all religions are the same, people from all regions are the same. That is so very confusing for a child. The thing is — they obviously are not. They are very different. It is the difference that gives them their identity – why take it away from them? Our lives would be richer and perhaps easier too if we accepted and enjoyed our differences.

Next time, I hope I won’t be thrown off balance when the kids put up a question like that. I hope I can allow them to question, understand and accept them with the ease and innocence that only children can.

**************

On a vaguely related note here’s a conversation we had yesterday morning during the school-time chaos:

H: Mama may I be a Muslim?
Me: You may be whatever you want but why do you want to be one?
H: They have so much fun. They get to go to the fair at the Idgah and get all kinds of goodies to eat and they even get Eedi.

They’ve recently read Premchand’s Idgah at school. I presume that’s what brought it on coupled with the fact that today is Eid and the excitement of his Muslim friends is very infectious.

I wish I had the time and the patience to explain that religion was much more than a few sweets and some pocket money. Unfortunately we were running late (as usual) and I had to let it go. Another time, another chat, perhaps.

Missing my hometown sorely today, I thought I’d cook up some sewain in honour of Eid. Mercifully a friend dropped by with a huge bowl of Sheer Khurma and saved the kids from at least one of my cooking misadventures. It turned out to be absolutely delicious.

Eid Mubarak everyone!

Doesn’t it look wonderful?

13/07/201515/04/2017

A whopper of a weekend and the goody bag plan

It’s Monday and I’m relieved. By now I’m used to crazy weekends but this one was unusually so.

The husband was supposed to be home after about a month but had to cancel at the last moment. The kids were sorely disappointed and I was saddled with two very sulky kids over three very long days of an extended weekend. To make matters worse N had loads of pending homework from some classes she had missed.

The goody bag plan

We decided to tackle the biggest demon first – a bunch of over 50 math problems to be done in a day. Wondering how to get through it all without bringing out the witch in me I brought out the goody-bag plan. I think I defied all perfect parenting mantras by linking reward directly to performance but desperate times asked for desperate measures.

I picked up some inexpensive goodies – chocolates, craft supplies, stationery items and put them all into a bag. I felt I was running short and so I also made out some coupons which could be ‘encashed’ for things ranging from a hug to a doughnut. After every five sums I’d let N dip into it and pick a goody. It proved to be SUCH a success that even H gave up his iPad and sat down to race N over those sums just so he could have a go at the goodies.

N had a great time feeling around in the bag trying to guess what there was and offering to pick out things for H.

And then some more..

That was Friday and it went pretty well. Here’s what we crammed into the next two days:

– Dropped in at Mc Donald for a Happy Meal. Why they still like it is beyond me – they’re not too keen on the food and have far outgrown those toys, yet….
– Had a tiny pizza party at home
– Made pani puri together. N has developed a huge liking for it and I’m quite thrilled to have a PP partner.
– Went out to a dosa joint one night where the kids enjoy watching how multiple dosas are made simultaneously, more than actually eating them.
– Then we dragged out mattresses into the living room and had a sleepover with just the three of us.
– And we also managed to work on some school projects.

Now that I’ve got all that down I realise a lot of our happiness stems from food and I’m not even a decent enough cook! Wierd? Ironical? What?

I’m beyond analyses, though. I won’t say it wasn’t fun but it really would be simpler to have The Husband home. Sigh!

So what do you do to tide over difficult times with kids? Long holidays, disappointments? I’d love some help here.

16/06/201515/04/2017

In defense of Hitler

Before I am lynched for supporting Genocide let me clarify what brought on this epiphany.

It was a lazy Sunday morning and I was happily immersed in the Express Eye. Trying to put away the moment when I would have to relinquish the newspaper I asked:

“What do you all want for breakfast?”

“Porridge”

“French Toast”

“Dosa”

The chorus snapped me out of my Sunday mood right away. Oh how I regretted my
large-hearted gesture! Kicking myself mentally I began the uphill task of brokering a consensus.

Democracy is hard work.

I was brought up
in, what I would describe as, a quasi-democratic home. It was democratic in the
sense that we had complete freedom to speak our minds resulting in long and very
heated dinner-table conversations (arguments) but the rules were pretty much
made for us. Even as we raged and argued and dubbed our parents the worst kind
of Hitlers, we were quite aware of this fact and stuck with the rules – well mostly
we did. (PS: I did more than my sister, that’s an aside I need to add!)

Coming back to us – ours, I feel, is a way more democratic household than my parents’. And
I am not sure that’s a good thing. I have to confess sometimes I invite the
children’s views simply to avoid a showdown later on or because I am caught up
with something and don’t have the mindspace to make a choice on my own.

As parents/teachers we do need to ask ourselves:

1. Is the child capable of making the right choice
at his level of maturity?

2. As the adult in charge, am I prepared to
accept his/her choice, whatever that may be?

Having the freedom to make choices is a wonderful feeling for
anyone, especially for children and they are quick to exercise and defend it
once they have it. Yet too much freedom can not just result in bad choices, it
might end up confusing the child. Try taking your young one to the toy store
and ask him to choose one toy and you’ll know what I mean.

Democracy certainly
doesn’t work all the time, definitely not in a parent-child (or a teacher-taught)
relationship.

I would like to remember that as a parent/teacher:

1. I do know best. I might actually know the
child better than he knows himself or what’s best for him.

2. I make the rules.

3. I will invite suggestions but I will have
the final word.

4. I will disregard the rebellions and will
be prepared to be dubbed the ‘evil one’.

5. I will not forget that despite the complaints
the children will never stop loving me because deep down they know I love them
too.

Do I sound like a Tiger Mom ? Well sometimes Moms do need to get out the
Tiger/Tigress in them, even if it is only in the best interest of their cubs.

05/05/201515/04/2017

Spending Quality time with kids – one on one

Most times I feel like the luckiest person on earth because of the wonderful ‘package deal’ I got when I had the twins. However one of the downsides of having two children of the same age is that I have to struggle to find time with each of them alone. That’s one reason I look forward to the summers when I come home. Other than both sets of grandparents, our hometown is bursting with uncles, aunts and cousins. What’s better, the kids have different ‘favourites’ and most of them are just a short walk away. That’s as good as it can possibly get. It’s such a luxury to pack off one the twins to their favourite aunts/cousin’s place without a twinge of apprehension or guilt while I spend time Quality time with the other.

It is also a wonderful time to test the waters on letting them try out their independence. Last year, while all the cousins were having a sleepover, H pretended he ‘just wasn’t sleepy’ since he’d rather die than accept that he couldn’t sleep without ‘mama’. He lounged in the living room till we persuaded him to come sleep with me. This year, he has been going for the sleepover for the past two days without as much as a ‘May I’. That’s a huge step forward for this clingy son of mine. And I cannot begin to say how happy/relieved I am.

N is the independent one and doesn’t seem to need anyone which is even more reason to keep the conversation flowing and the connection strong. When we’re alone she and I read together or we pick up a craft to do.

When N is away, H and I ave fun watching something inane like Pokemon. It’s TV but we’re on holiday and the regular mum-rules stand suspended for the month.

I often make the mistake of clubbing the kids together as one unit even though they are as different as chalk and cheese and never forget to assert their individualities. Alone time is important to reinforce the fact that they aren’t two halves of a whole but are complete people in themselves. Here are more reasons why Quality alone time is important:

– To begin with it’s fun and very relaxing to have just one child to myself rather than struggling to balance their very diverse tastes.

– It’s great for the kids to have things completely their way for a change rather than being pushed to compromise – whether it is choosing what show to watch or what game to play or which side they get to sleep on.

– It gives me a chance of focusing complete attention to each child by turn and to understand, enjoy and be totally blown away at how very different they are.

– It encourages them to think of themselves as separate individuals, to express their likes and dislikes without being influenced by the other.

– It reassures them that they are individually loved and cherished for their special qualities.

– Secure in that love they stop seeing each other as adversaries fighting for attention, taking the edge away from the dreaded sibling rivalry.

I’m off then to make the most of the holidays and perhaps we will be trying out even more sleepovers and day-visits.

Linking to ABC Wednesday for the letter Q with thanks to Mrs Nesbitt for coming up with the wonderful concept of bringing together people from across the world.

10/04/201515/04/2017

Mommy wars

The holidays have begun. Yay! Freedom from the early morning rush, the tussle over breakfast, the struggle with homework, the hurry-hurry-hurry. We intend to sleep in, go for long walks, cook and craft and read and watch films together.

This academic year has been exceptionally hard on all of us and I’ve done more than my share of yelling. Now’s the time to make up for all of that. Everything else will wait now – work, freelancing, even blogging to some extent – everything. I intend to be the funnest mama ever this summer – no rules, no yelling.

However, day one of the holidays and I am already wondering if that is even possible. I have a bunch of mums living inside me counselling and debating and struggling to assert themselves. They all have different takes on how I should handle the kids. I wrote earlier about the struggle between Sane Mum and Mushy Mum here. This time round it’s the Fun Mum (the one who believes kids should just have fun) and the Evil Mum (the strict disciplinarian) fighting it out. If you would ever stumble upon them you might hear a conversation such as this one…

Fun Mum: Yay holidays! Disappear now, will you?
Evil Mum: Noooo you don’t mean that.
FM: Of course I mean it. I love my babies, I intend to show them just how much. We’re going to have fun together.
EM (stubbornly): Well, they’re my babies too and I love them, perhaps more than you. You’ll spoil them silly. I’m the one who looks out for them. I’m not leaving.
FM: They deserve to be spoiled once in a while. It’s the holidays for goodness sake. You’ve done your thing. Your time’s up. See you in June.
EM: I thought you’d planned to help them catch up with their studies during summer.
FM: I do remember very well, thank you. And we SHALL do that but in a FUN way. No slogging, no yelling. Leave now, please.

EM (A trifle slyly): You sure you won’t need me? Two months is a long time.

FM: Sure, certain, positive.
EM (Pretending to leave): Well then perhaps I’ll take a holiday. God knows I need it. By the way I do hope you have a plan on how you’ll handle the endless TV watching, the iPad madness, the bickering and the fighting, the refusal to switch off the light at night. I’m sure you have a FUN plan. Goodluck. Ciao.
FM (Flustered): Err umm.. wait on, will you.
EM: Let me see.. Mussourie sounds good this summer or should I head South?
FM: Hey wait, maybe you can hang on at the fringes and show up just once in a while?
EM: What? You requesting me to stay? Sure, certain, positive?
FM (Petulantly): ALL RIGHT I’m sorry. Guess we can’t really do without you. But stay out of sight. I’ll call you when I need you.
EM: Works for me. (Linking hands with FM) We make the perfect couple, you and I.
FM (Agreeing reluctantly): I guess so. They do need us both.

Edited to add: As it turned out the kids fell ill right on day 1. Both EM and FM have retired to some sorry corner to wait out their turn while Mushy Mum and Fussy Mum have taken over completely.