Category: humour

10 top gifts for new moms

10 top gifts for new moms

 Kreative Mommy Deepa asked us to list out ten gifts for new moms. Make it ‘fun and useful’ she said. So here it is, my list. A word of caution – these products have still to make their way from the realms of my brain to the inventors’ tables, so don’t go looking for them at stores just yet.

Crydecoder
Baby’s cry. They just cry. They cry for being fed and cry to be put to sleep. They cry to be held and they cry to be left alone (I had one of each kind and by the time I figured out which one wanted what I was a nervous wreck). The Crydecoder selects one of the 101 options on its dial and tells the mum exactly why the baby is crying.

Poopiesniffer

What’s the big deal with this one, you wonder? We have our noses, right? The thing is by the time the message gets to your nose it also permeates the room and gets to everyone in it. Imagine when that happens in the middle of dinner with guests. Well this gadget is equipped with odour detectors a million times more sensitive than your doggie’s nose and beeps out long before the message escapes the diaper. Trust me, the new mum needs this one.

Peepredictor

While on unsavoury topics I’ll get over with this one too. Without going into detail let me just say this gadget is designed for mums of boys. It will help a new mum predict which way the waters flow, so to say. And if you’re not fond of a sour warm spray on your face (Do NOT ask how I know that) I’d say you need this.

Time turner

We’ll borrow this one from Hermione. A new mum definitely needs more than 24 hours in her day. Gift her this and she’ll thank you forever.

Mumclone
Sometimes the time turner it just isn’t enough. Babies don’t grow up in a day and how long can mums do this back and forth? They’re only human. And so we have a – a Mumclone. It clones the mum to a baby-plus-one – One baby two mums, two babies three mums and so on. Get this and watch mum load lighten instantly.

Blinkamera
It’s not all bad you know, this being a new mum. There are compensations, lots of them. Your little one will give you plenty of heart stoppingly beautiful moments. That moment when he stares at you unblinkingly with a pensive expression on his face, the time he clasps your finger in his fist and refuse to let go, the time his tiny plump hands reaches out for you and oh when he decides to bare his gums in a toothless smile – that’s the time you’ll need the Blinkamera. This is a device that’ll click a picture with the blink of your eye and store that memory forever. The new mum doesn’t need to break the moment to rush for that physical camera – blink and click. Useful, isn’t it?

Breastmilk regulator
Now it flows now it doesn’t. Get this one and with the twist of a knob baby food is ready to be served or stored away.

Burpinducer
The twins’ Ped freaked me out with tales of babies who had choked because they hadn’t been burped properly. I spent entire nights roaming around with a fast asleep well-fed baby at my shoulder patting it on the back waiting for that burp. Yeah I’d have liked a burp inducer.

Tummytucker
So the baby is out in the world and you can’t wait to get back to your old self. Yet no matter how hard you exercise or how many crunches you put yourself through that tiny tummy bump refuses to go away. That’s where every new mum needs a tummy  tucker. Rub it on your tummy and watch it disappear. Nope you won’t find this one in the lingerie department. And No, don’t try it all over your body, it won’t work, just the baby bump.

Mumreassurer
She’s a new mum. She has tons of advice and just her gut instinct to guide her. So basically this Mumreassurer will tell her, as many times a day as she wants, that she’s doing the right thing. It comes with multiple settings. The first few days one can opt for hourly settings and then graduate to just one reassuring message a day. A must try.

Note: ‘Mum’ here denotes ‘primary care-giver’. Most products work just as well with dads or aunts. I said ‘most’.

So much for fanciful thoughts!
If you want to look up some real products for new mums do head over to  Kreative Mommy for her #MondayMommyMoments where fabulous mothers share useful practical ideas.
Kreativemommy.com
Supermom!

Supermom!

When that genetically mutated spider bit Peter Parker his (Parker’s obviously) life changed forever. Something similar happened to me when I had the twins.

At first they were rather inconspicuous, these special powers that came to me.

Before the twins I was pretty much a Kumbhakaran – that gentle giant blessed with a sleeping curse. I couldn’t function without my 8-9 hours everyday. With the arrival of the children I began waking up many times a night – on my own – sometimes to change nappies, to feed and burp and sometimes simply to run a finger under the twins’ noses reassuring myself that they were real living people. Just like that, I was rid of my addiction.

That was the beginning.

As they grew my powers only increased. Like Parker I discovered in myself super strength and agility.

If he had superhuman reflexes that let him scale walls and fly over traffic to save people, I could sprint, do a back flip and dive right in just as one of the twins fell off the sofa.

If he was strong enough to stop a running train, I could stop a running cycle….  make that two running cycles, before they hurtled into simultaneous twin accidents.

If he could spin a web fine as silk and strong as steel, I could spin tales so intricate so elaborate, as to keep two hyper active minds quiet for hours on end.

As the teens approach my superpowers seem to be growing.

My memory might have gone on leave but my senses, By God, they’re in an overdrive. Just like Parker, I find my eyesight sharper, my hearing more acute and my sense of smell can rival that of a sniffer bomb squad dog.

Is that a scream of laughter or distress – I can tell without going into the room. Was the food found under our apartment window dumped by the twins or was it the old man on the floor below our’s – I’d know. (It was the old man, in case you were wondering). Is it an upset tummy or experiments with my makeup kit that was keeping them for hours in the washroom – I can always tell.

I can look through closed doors, listen to merest whispers and smell out secrets.
I successfully busted hair-trimming sessions before the twins had shorn each other off.
I put an end to ice-cream smuggling no matter how soundlessly the freezer door was opened.
I smell burning cookies and douse the flames before they take the house down.
One time I even staved off floods when the twins turned on the taps and blocked the drains to make a swimming pool in the washroom.

As I sit here with a self-satisfied smile writing this self-congratulatory piece I find my mom-senses tingling already. Got to go folks, time to spin another web and reel them in.

Linking up with

Mackenzie at Reflections from Me

Also joining Deepa at  Kreative Mommy for #MondayMommyMoments.
Kreativemommy.com
How to snatch a siesta from the jaws of 4-yr-olds

How to snatch a siesta from the jaws of 4-yr-olds

Long ago when I was in school I read a piece about a dad who
devised games to ensure he got his forty winks each afternoon. I have no clue
why it stayed with me. Perhaps God was preparing me for the twins even when I
was a carefree teen. Faced with long summer afternoons when I couldn’t keep my
eyes open unless I stuck my lids to my brows while the twins bubbled with
unfathomable energy I came up with my own games to keep them busy while I caught my nap. 

Read on and you might find something you can use.

 1. You Lilliputians me Gulliver
So
Gulliver is washed up from the ocean and lies sprawled on the shore (that’s you on
your cool bedroom floor). The Lilliputians (that’s the twins) busy themselves tying him up to sofa
and table legs, making speeches (Who is this giant? Where did he come from?)
and organizing meetings (What should be done with him? How shall we feed him).
And you get your siesta.


2. You Ram/Raavan me Kumbhakaran
Ram
might have come to Sita’s rescue in this classic Indian tale but it was
Kumbhakaran who will come to yours. What’s not to like in a giant who got to
sleep six months a year, ate for the other six and threw in a punch or two
when required? While the kids fight it out as Ram or Raavan you catch your forty
winks. Let the drums beat on and the trumpets be blown, Kumbhakaran shall sleep on.
The nose ticking can get to you once in a while otherwise life’s good. If your
child is anything like my H he’s sorted for Raavan. The other can choose between
the righteous Ram or the tragic Sita.


3. You Prince Charming me Sleeping Beauty
You
of course are the sleeping beauty (whether you’re a mom or a dad is quite immaterial).
Your child is Prince Charming hacking and fighting his way desperately through
the enchanted forest to save you, while you hope and pray he takes his time.
The
other twin poses a bit of a problem. If she is like N she might fancy herself the
princess. All you have to do then, is to convince her that the role offers no chance to show
off her acting prowess (yeah, we parents are creative). And so she shall become
the evil fairy slyly putting obstacles in the noble prince’s path. The prince
is delayed (Yay!) and both are occupied (Double Yay!).


4. You the parlour help me a customer
Set
out interesting looking paraphernalia – a bottle of spray filled with imaginary
water, (there’s nothing worse than being shocked out of a blissful sleep with a
cold spray of water while you’re probably dreaming of deep unending sleep),
some bowls with tiny bits of cream (hand them over the bottle and rest assured
they’ll empty it out) and some slices of cucumber. Find a soft sofa or bed,
close your eyes and bliss out.

Caution:
Don’t let small things like spilt water or half eaten cucumber slices faze you
– you did get your siesta, didn’t you?


5. You captor/saviour me the hostage
This classic game was absolutely designed for parents. One of the kids is your
evil captor and the other your noble savior. Give them soft bits of twine (Stoles,
scarves and dupattas work best) and let them tie you up – make sure you’re
comfortable. Let them drag you to a deep dark cave (essentially your bedroom,
with the curtains drawn and lights switched off). Let them fight it out then
while you sneak in your catnap.

PS: Don’t let gender issues put you off. If you’re ready to play Gulliver/Sleeping Beauty your son/daughter will be Prince or Sita or Raavan happily. Kids have incredible imaginations. And it’s a good place to begin smashing the stereotypes, what say? The siesta is the icing, or was it the cake to begin with?

Happy Napping folks!

This one is done for the prompt ‘How to…’ given by the the wonderful folks at Marathon Bloggers.

10 things to remember on a journey without kids

10 things to remember on a journey without kids

I had often wondered if/when I could ever leave the children and travel on my own. Well, finally it happened. As it turns out the Husband was home and it was just four days (out of which two were over the weekend). 

Off I went.

It felt weird – to say the least – to be travelling without two small hands to hold on to. If you’re a mum too and have forgotten quite what it’s like to travel alone you might find these pointers useful.

1. It’s normal to carry just a single piece of baggage. Nah, you haven’t forgotten anything. And it’s not even important whether the bag is pink, blue or yellow.

2. On the flight, you are not allowed to cuddle people sitting on either side of you (to be on the safe side, keep your hands off the hand rests).

3. If your boarding pass says window seat, you actually get to sit at the window.

4. You can survive a two-hour flight without a visit to the loo. As a bonus – you also survive take offs and landings without admonishing your neighbours to ‘hold it in’ even while wondering anxiously if they will hold it in.

5. You can get through a flight without a single apology.

6. You don’t need to ask the airline staff for favours – no change of seats, no extra water, no extra tissues to mop off said water.

7. Airport shopping zones are a grossly misunderstood lot. Far from the disaster-waiting-to-happen-zones you thought them, they make for blissful browsing.

8. You get to decide what you want to do on the flight – reading, listening to music and sleeping being real options (over visiting loos, ensuring co-passengers don’t get kicked/ pushed, mopping messes and refereeing seats).

9. The baggage carousal is just that – a baggage carousal, not a forbidden slide you cannot allow your kid on.

10. A two hour flight is way too long. After a point you don’t quite know what to do with yourself.

A last bit of advice. Sit back, relax and try to enjoy yourself just as much as the kids are enjoying your absence back home.

Linking to ABC Wednesday for the letter ‘J’ for Journey. Joyful thanks to Mrs Nesbitt who thought up this wonderful meme.

People on the playground

People on the playground

I’m obsessivemom remember? So today in search of ‘People’ I go to my favourite playing field – the children’s school… on Sports Day.. and I’ll see what ‘people’ I find. So are you with me folks? This is going to be fun. 

Even as we saunter in.. “Excuse me, please,” says someone and breezes ahead without a backward glance. 

This is a lady in a hurry for she’s the 
Eager-beaver mum
She’s the first to arrive, first to find the best seat. She’s the one who will crane her neck and strain her eye to spot her kid in the crowd. She will wave and blow kisses as soon as she does so and will continue to wave long after the child’s melted away in the sea of uniforms. But hey what’s this pushing at her chair, poking at her feet blocking her view of her darling daughter? 

Move over.. he’s the
Photo-fanatic dad
He is armed with multiple cameras and that’s his tripod. He will set it up with great care (for the tripod not for other parents who are mere obstacles in his photographic journey). Oh he will smile out a perfunctory sorry, for he is a gentleman. But it’s advisable to keep your distance as he tries some fifty camera angles until finally he finds the perfect one. Then he will proceed to video the entire show. Entire! All the while he will issue instructions to the wife to keep clicking stills. He’s not merely clicking pictures, he’s making memories for his dear darling. If she wins the race he’ll pluck out his camera from the tripod and race to the victory stand to zoom in onto that winning smile. It has to be captured in all it’s nuances, right? Aargh… what’s this in front of his camera?

Oooh don’t mess with her for she’s the 
You-gotta-win mum
You’ve got to hand it to her for her focus. She’s here only for that one single race, the one in which her Rohan is running. Once the whistle blows she is in their element. “Come on Rohan.. Come on .. Faster baby..faster… We’ve done faster at home.. No no no.. DO NOT look back.. I TOLD you not to look back EVER.. Eyes at the finish line.. Come on..”. She has the strongest lungs and the loudest claps. Oops Rohan slipped.. “Get up Rohan.. you can still do it,” says she. No matter that it was she who distracted him in the first place, no matter that little Rohan couldn’t care less. No sir.. She’s unstoppable. If Rohan doesn’t win there’s bound to have been foul play. “Didn’t you see the winner started off before the whistle?” Or “The judges didn’t look properly. I SAW Rohan cross the line first. Yes I did.

Relax lady will you? I am trying to hold a conversation here,” says the gentleman in the suit. He’s the 
when-will-this-be-over dad
He’s the busy executive always on his iPhone. At the same time he is trying to study some figures on his iPad. He’s probably been dragged there by the kids and his wife. (Lord save him if he has to deal with an eager-beaver mum or worse a you-gotta-win mum). He’ll shut his iPad for a moment when his son’s race comes on. Even as young Vedant runs to the finish line he’s probably thinking..’Gosh I forgot to tell Smriti to send off that fax’. The crowd, the noise don’t much register. However there’s one person who’s really studying the crowd. 

She’s our fashionista mum
She’s impeccably dressed. Her straight dark black hair fall to her shoulders in one shiny wave. As she settles the d&g glares on her head she flashes meticulously applied coral nail paint on her perfectly manicured fingers. Her shoes are Jimmy Choos and her bag is Gucci. A delicate umbrella shields her from the sun. She cannot risk the tan. She scours the crowd rating the men and women. “Blue denims everywhere.. boring, boring! Oooh burgundy trousers.. must get one of those. That fuchsia’s great. But teaming it with black? Nope doesn’t do anything for it, white’s the colour. Yeah fuchsia and white. Ugh.. sneakers.. orange sneakers..”

Don’t balk fashionista mum, meet the 
Super-sporty mum
She’s the one who’ll gladly spend her life in sports shoes and a tee that says ‘I PLAY TO WIN’. She’s the one who cannot wait for the kids’ races to end so that it’s the parents’ turn. Woe be to her if she’s saddled with a when-will-this–be-over dad or even a photo-fanatic dad who doesn’t want to partner her. But she’s a sport right? She doesn’t give up. So she’ll look around asking everyone with a smile you cannot resist .. “will you be my partner,” till she strikes gold. If you partner her make sure you have running shoes on for Boy! can she run!

A confession…
I’d put myself in the eager-beaver mum class.. well I have to be that since The Husband is the quintessential when-will-this-be-over dad. Oh the arguments we have! It’s good for the kids, though. We do manage to even each other out a bit and strike a balance. What kind are you?

It’s Day 6 at the Write Tribe Festival of Words. The prompt for today is ‘People’. For some great takes from Write Tribers go here.