12 most intriguing mom-types


Once I was obsessivemom. I outgrew it.

I think I did. I sure hope I did. The thing is you never know.

I do however, remain, a ‘mom’ observer. They’re interesting, believe me. Being a mom changes you in a way you would never have imagined. It makes you a new, different person, sometimes unrecognisable by your old self. A lot of these moms below live inside me.

1. ‘My child best’ mom: She’s easy to spot. She wears her child like a medal. Nope, God didn’t make any other child as wonderful as hers. No one can dance like her, sing like her, write or speak or jump or run or even walk as gracefully, as athletically as hers.

2. Know it all mom: Yeah she knows it all. A stomach ache? She has the cure. A dance class? She knows the best one. Fancy dress, super recipes, parenting styles – she knows all. Have a suggestion? Well keep your mouth shut!

3. ‘Go get it’ mom: She’s the ultimate motivator. She’ll push and she’ll prod and she’ll push some more till she has her child on that victory stand. She won’t pause, she won’t stop. Not even to check if her child wants to be there at all.

4. The co-curricular mom: She’s the one you’re most likely to bump into in elevators. A Hi! and  Bye! and she’s gone, kids in tow – one class to the next. Her kids need to learn everything. From chess to ballet, piano to Spanish, basketball to the drum, she has it all covered.

5. Food fanatic mom: She’s the gajar ka halwa, the garam garam roti mom – the one who spends hours whipping up the perfect recipe. She revels in the fact that she makes her own ketchups and jams, that her pizza is better than Dominoes and her burger better than Mc Donalds.

6. The psychology professor mom: She’s Ms Analysis. Every action of hers and her child’s is examined and cross examined, analysed and cross analysed. “I yelled at him. Will it scar him for life?” “He scored badly in his tests, will he go into a depression?”

7. Academic mom: She’s the one who lives one unit test to the next. Exam times see her at her peak. She will obsesses about each quarter mark lost and will keep track of her child’s ranking like Shylock counted his gold.

8. Cleanliness freak mom: That can of sanitiser will give her away. Open her bag and you’ll find dry tissues, wet tissues, tissue rolls, soap strips and napkins. She covers her mouth when she steps on the road. She sanitises her kids’ hands every five minutes and wipes glasses and plates in restaurants before food is served.

9. ‘I’m your friend’ mom: This ones not quite a mom at all. She’s a friend, a pal. She dresses like her daughter and shares her makeup. She uses slang like her kids and hangs out with their friends on FB. 

10. The ‘Awww’ mom: She’s the one who cannot get over how wonderful her kids are. She tears up at every smiley her child gets at school and cries over every ‘I love you note’ from her child. She can’t talk without a ‘sweety’ or a ‘honey’ and is always found hugging, petting and cuddling her ‘baby’.

11. ‘My kids are my life’ mom: Her life begins and ends with her kids. Her conversation never strays from them. Suggest a coffee date and she’ll fix you with an incredulous stare, “What? Without the kids?”.. and you’ll slink away feeling a mean and selfish mom. As for me time… what’s that? she asks.

12. The perfect mom: She’s the toughest to define. Um.. actually she’s the easiest to define for aren’t all moms just perfect?

Oh they can be annoying, intriguing and so so different, but they don’t deserve to be judged. They all, yes all, love their children and are trying really hard to do the best they can.

This post was done for Write Tribe. For more ’12 most…’ entries go here.

Checklists work for me

Some days you just wake up with a sense of happy anticipation – like something wonderful is going to happen. And nothing seems to be able to dampen your spirits. Not cranky kids, not the power cut in the gym, not the fact that the husband has to travel… Nothing.

 

Well that’s what yesterday was. Rains have arrived here, finally, so the weather was just perfect. At least four wonderful people I know were celebrating birthdays and the warmth and love from Facebook kind of spilled into my day and made it even sunnier.

Feeling very inspired and determined to hold on to this feeling I went over the day trying to identify possible trouble areas.

One of the most testing times of my day, I realised, is when the kids get back from school. They are tired and probably hungry, yet are bursting with things to tell… both of them simultaneously. I have a hard time keeping up two full fledged often very different conversations.

Then there’s the issue of lunch. For me the top priority is that they get cleaned up and get to their lunch/snack FAST, since it’s four by the the time the bus drops them. For them that’s about 100th on the list.

I end up hurrying them, barking out a bunch of instructions which seem like an unending list – a huge and painful one at that. They dawdle and bicker and end up in tears.

A few days back a friend shared the idea of having a task checklist. Well I decided to come up with mine….. with an incentive too.

 

A tick in each column for ten straight days gets them a small gift.
When I showed them the list they seemed cynical at best. Sure sign that they’re growing up! I refused to let my enthusiasm were off cajoling them to at least try it.
It was a slow start (why do we have to put our shoes inside? Whey do we always have to wear chappals. But soon they were running around the house doing stuff, giggling, ticking it off – oh it was fun and they got most of it done.
Of course it’s just day 1 and they might/will tire of it and that will be fine, because the idea is NOT to turn them into tiny robots but to get the basic habit in place. It’s like ‘oh today I forgot to put my tiffin for washing.. Rather than see ma today I remembered to put it for washing.

An experiment in freedom

Saturday began on a very very sour note. H threw a huge tantrum bemoaning the fact that he had to follow too many rules. Washing his hands before eating, wearing his chappals all the time, putting his clothes for washing after changing, wearing his night suit, brushing his teeth, not getting enough screen time (computer/TV) ….. Apparently I was forcing him to play, to eat, to sleep…
To be fair to him he is a pretty independent child. He enjoys his studies and is very meticulous about them. He’s not a fussy eater either. In fact I have few complaints other than his computer addiction and his resistance to rules. He likes to do things his way which is often not the right way, of course according to me. And he argues! Gawd how he argues!
The Husband and I reasoned with him for about an hour. Then we both gave up and left him crying.

Freedom Day declared!

I got chatting with friend and blogger Shailaja and she directed me to a blogpost here by Sangeeta Sundaram on Freedom Day – a day with no rules, which children could be left to do what they wanted. Since we were at the weekend and as a mum I am always ready to try anything for a happier more peaceful home I decided to go with it. Besides, it was just a day, I reasoned, how bad could it get?
So Saturday was declared Freedom Day with just two rules.. No fighting and no messing the house.
H was ecstatic, though a bit unbelieving. N also thought it was a super idea.
The computer was switched on right then and H flitted between the television and the computer all day without signs of fatigue or boredom. He would come to check on me periodically to make sure I wasn’t angry. He’d dart in for a hug or an ‘I love you mama,’ every hour or so.
N meanwhile ran off to play throwing an ‘I-can-come-whenever-I-want-na, mama?’ over her shoulder. ‘Yes,’ said I and that was that.

At lunch time…

I have to admit I am a bit of a Nirupa Roy when it comes to food. I strongly believe that half of the crankiness of kids is either food or sleep related. A little after 1 pm H was hungry and just as I was about to suggest lunch he said he wanted to eat mangoes. So mangoes it was. By 2, though outwardly calm, I was pacing up and down mentally.
N turned up after 2.30 and sat down to watch TV.
I’d made their favourite Aaloo-puri in a sly bid to tempt them to eat on their own. I even filled my own plate, pretending to eat and sat watching that wretched Doremon with them to no avail. Finally H picked up pooris, just pooris, and munched on them sitting on the sofa while watching TV… And I kept my mouth shut.
N, the non eater was celebrating by not eating at all. Finally at 3.30 I left them to the tele and walked off.

Freedom is not everyone’s cup of tea

A little later N came in.. Crying. ‘My head is hurting ma’, she said, ‘may I sleep with you?’ I agreed then suggested.. ‘Maybe your head is hurting because you haven’t eaten anything’. That brought around a fresh bout of tears..

‘I don’t want this freedom say sobbed N. May I have lunch?’
I have to admit I felt a smug kind of happiness!!
And that was it for her.

But some truly take to it

H continued to have a ball till about 10. He refused his friends when they asked him to come down to play. N crashed by the television. H had major plans of staying awake till after 12 but exhausted by the marathon computer session he too agreed to go to bed when The Husband suggested it.

What now?

Now I am a bit confused about the outcome of the experiment. N told me pretty categorically.. She preferred an ‘Angel Day’ .
But what about H?
I have to admit there was total peace at home. The children didn’t fight at all which is just so rare, it might be the single reason I try this out another day. They coordinated with each other taking turns at the comp and the tele. In any case since N is a more outdoor person there was barely any clash.
However, is it okay to let H spend the entire day at the comp? Or for N to stay outdoor for four or five hours at a stretch? Maybe it is, since it’s just a day… I’m not sure at all. What do you say guys? Is it okay to have a Freedom day say once in a month?

So, what’s the right time to allow a sleepover?

After some happy hours of play, N came in for lunch today bubbling with excitement. ‘Mama may I go to V’s house for a sleepover?’ She asked. I was kind of prepared, since a few minutes earlier I’d had a phone call from V asking the same question and I’d put her off saying I’d get back to her. 
This marks the entry of my twins in second phase of their lives – the beginning of a new set of parenting decisions and dilemmas. With the kids’ eighth birthday round the corner I thought I still had a few years before queries such as this one popped up. 
Friends hanging out in pajamas

In all honesty, I questioned myself – Is she ready for a sleepover?
The answer is ‘probably yes’. Here’s why I think so..
Since she asked, no begged, for it she probably is ready.
She has slept away from me (with my sister and her cousins) a few times.
She doesn’t wake up too often during the night.
She’s pretty independent (in my absence).
She behaves like a gem (in my absence).
So yes she’s ready for it.
The second thing I asked myself was Who is she spending the sleepover with?
And there were where the worries lay. Nope, there’s nothing wrong with the family. They live in the same society as us and I see them around pretty frequently. They’re in that vague slot between acquaintances and friends. However, how okay was it to let a child casually call up and invite a friend for a sleepover, I wondered. Am I over reacting in thinking this is a watershed moment in my kids’ life? That this is a big deal? Is it just like a simple play date or an evening out with friends (which I am also dubious about till I know the family well)?

I would have certainly appreciated some reassurance from the mum. 
And I had queries. Lots of them…
Who else is coming?
Who are the other adults in the house?
What about older siblings?
What would they be doing before they turn in for the night?
Would they be watching scary TV? (Such a no no!)
Being a girl thing would they be talking/trying out dress up and makeup? (aren’t they too young for that?)
What time would they actually sleep?

I would have liked to ask all of those and maybe some more. Yes I’d have liked a chat with the mum.

Sounds like I’m fussy? Well I’m entrusting the most precious thing of my life to a relative stranger, I have to fuss. I am well aware I’m a tad reluctant in letting the kids go. (It’s not quite right and I’m working on it. The progress has been slow, I might add).
Mercifully an old friend is arriving with her kids the morning of the proposed sleepover so the decision was made rather easily.
What was not so easily done is conveying the news to N. I had the heartbreaking task of delivering the ‘no’ watching her tiny face crumble into tears.
That, right there, is the time I HATE being a mum.

************

Linking that bit of introspection to Write Tribe’s Free Write for the Wednesday prompt.

J is for being Judgmental

The other
day I was down in the garden. A bunch of kids were playing close by while some
mums and some maids stood by chatting. A fight broke out – we have one almost
every minute. One of the kids boxed the other one, only to be punched in return.
A mum and a maid rushed to separate their charges. The mother turned upon the
maid in righteous anger and gave her an earful. “Why can’t you keep an eye on him?
Do you come down to chat?” She said before retreating with her son. “This is
what happens when kids are left to the maids,” she added before admonishing her
son to ‘never play with that boy again.’
As if that
were even a possibility! Five minutes later, the kids are back again.
How quick
are we to pass judgements, and how wrong. Among many things motherhood taught
me – this was one valuable lesson.. 
People cannot be bracketed.

One of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite books.. ‘To kill a mockingbird’



She’s a SAHM
– she’s a good mum.
She’s a working
mum – she doesn’t have time for her kids… wrong again!
She wears a
sari/ abaya – she’s conservative. 
She’s pushing her daughter to have fries – she’s a bad mum.
She’s fat –
she’s lazy (that one’s for me).
Oh it can
make you feel good about yourself for a while. But when you judge others you also
end up judging yourself. And sooner than later you will fall short. You cannot
possibly think you are the only perfect person on earth! If you do think you
are, well then you’ve reached nirvana and can stop right here. But if you do not, you will fall short of someone and will end up feeling not so
good about yourself. The first step to accepting yourself is to accept others
as they are.
This becomes
even more relevant in a country as diverse as India. People from different
regions, states and ethnicities, speaking different languages, dressing differently,
looking so very different… it’s as crazy as it can get. 
While I was working in
Mumbai there was just one other girl from my hometown in North India and it was
assumed that we’d be best friends. However my best friend came from the other
end of the country – from down South. We bonded over books. We ended up being roommates and are still
friends some 20 years later.
Being
judgemental can make you miss out on some really good friends.
Over the
years I learnt to reserve my judgement. Oh I’m not perfect just yet but I hope to get there.

Linking to ABC Wednesday the grand initiative now in it’s 14th round.