The unbearable burden of assumed responsibility

Dear me,

Happy Women’s Day

There’s so much that I want to say to you. Of course you know much of it (you are me and I am you, duh!) but somethings are too important to not be put out here.

Let me take you back to an incident from a few years ago.

N came to you with a request: ‘Can you please wash my white shoes,’ she said, adding, ‘Only if you have time.’
N has this way of making requests where she gives you a way out while expecting you to say yes.
That annoys you, I know. Why give someone an out if you need them to say yes?

What annoys you even more is the realisation that she has picked up this habit from you. You do the very same thing.

Getting back, N had tramped along on the muckiest monsoon streets of the city, her shoes carrying home much of the mess. You had a busy day ahead, you had wanted to work on a story idea. Instead, there you were scrubbing her shoes frustration building up with every stroke.. ‘She should be doing this herself. How will I ever make time to write if I keep putting myself after everyone,’ you had muttered to yourself.

But then, another voice—your own—chimed in: You could have said no.

And that was true. She did give you a way out. Why then did you feel you had to do it?

Another day, another time, a friend mentioned how she skipped her evening walks because that was when her daughter came home, and she liked to have a warm snack ready. ‘No one asks me to do it. My daughter doesn’t expect it,’ she admitted. ‘Most days, I don’t mind. But sometimes, I long for my walk.‘

So who/what was stopping her?

And another one — When the maid goes on leave, if you said, ‘Let’s order out today,’ no one would mind (in fact H and N and even the husband would be celebrating!), yet you don’t do it often enough. Why?

That, my dear, is because you burden yourself with the weight of assumed responsibility.

The unbearable burden of assumed responsibility Share on X

It’s not just about external expectations—though those play a role, too. It’s about the deeply ingrained belief that you need to do it.

Somewhere deep down, you believe it’s your job and your job alone, to ensure a smoothly running household. You tell yourself it’s an act of love, a sign of care. And it is.

But why does love, so often have to translate into sacrifice?

There is no one standing over you, dictating that you must cook, clean, or cater to others’ needs before your own. No one except you. The assumed responsibility sits within you, woven into your thoughts, your upbringing, your very identity as a woman.

You have seen your mother do it, despite being an early feminist. You have watched women around you seamlessly slip into roles of nurturers and caregivers, never questioning if they wanted to or if they simply assumed they must. You absorbed this lesson without even realising it.

You take pride in the fact that the house runs seamlessly in your absence. You think you have evolved, left all of that behind and yet, as you stand at the sink scrubbing shoes or in the kitchen preparing yet another meal, you wonder: why do I continue to put myself second to everyone?

It’s not just about the shoes. Or the meal.

It’s about how much space you allow yourself in your own life.

It’s about the times you swallowed your exhaustion and said, ‘I’ll do it.’ The times you canceled plans because someone needed you. The times you dismissed your needs as secondary, inconsequential. The times you believed that a ‘good’ woman, a ‘strong’ woman, takes care of things without complaint.

But let me tell you something:

Saying no does not make you less loving, or less worthy. Saying no is an act of self-respect.

And you know what’s the best part? Only you can do this for yourself. Only you. Isn’t that wonderful and empowering?

Next time someone asks for a favour, pause before you say yes. Ask yourself: do I want to do this? Or do I just feel like I should?

And if the answer is the latter, remember—you can let it go.

With love, Me

Afterthought: This is my perspective as a woman, but the burden of assumed responsibility isn’t exclusive to women. Men, too, must often feel its weight—the belief that they must shoulder the entire responsibility of providing for the family.

This post is written as part of ‘Dear Her… Letters from Women to Women’ by Blog-A-Rhythm.