I solemnly swear that all instances quoted in the piece below are absolutely true. No, really. It’s all true.
N was down with a terrible stomach ache, and I had just returned from the medical store. I stood in the lower basement, my thoughts on my girl, hoping she was doing okay in my absence and wishing the elevator would hurry up.
When it didn’t arrive for a while, I realised that one elevator was stuck on the sixth floor while the other was on the eleventh. I pressed the button again. Not that it was required or made any difference, but one does these things in moments of desperation.
Finally, the one on the sixth floor began to move. I relaxed. It reached the ground floor and stopped.
Really? Today, of all days?
I willed it to come down.
It didn’t.
After a long, lazy pause, the one on the eleventh floor began to creak its way down. It reached the ground floor and then… yeah, it stopped too.
I was almost stamping my feet in frustration and contemplating the stairs when it moved again and finally reached me.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just one instance of the elevator behaving weirdly with me.
It hates me!
There, I said it!
I know this sounds like the ramblings of a batty old woman, but it’s true. I know because this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
The first seeds of suspicion were sown way back during my working days in Mumbai. I was on an official visit to the Stock Exchange when, one day, the elevator decided to come to a standstill midway.
On a twentieth-something floor, no less.
It stood there, a smirk on its face (or so it seemed to me), enjoying my mounting panic. Mercifully, a colleague was with me, and together we sounded the alarm. After much hoo-ha, the doors were prised open, and we found ourselves stuck between two floors. Too high to climb up, too low to jump down.
It all looks so easy in the movies. In real life, however, you either need to be the really sporty kind or have a Spider-Man boyfriend to bail you out. Since I was neither, a tall stool was procured, and we were able to step down to freedom.
Then there was the more recent incident.
I had just stepped into the elevator when I spotted a lady rushing towards it. Before she could even motion to me to hold the doors, I was already reaching for the ‘keep door open’ button. I threw her a reassuring smile to let her know I was holding it for her.
Except the elevator had other plans.
Slowly, inexorably, the doors began to shut. No matter how hard I jabbed at the button, they continued closing. I even tried wedging my foot in, but the otherwise all-too-sensitive sensors pretended not to sense it at all.
Knowing my history with elevators, I had a feeling this one would squash my foot with wicked glee. I pulled back, just in time.
And then, right before my horrified eyes (and the lady’s very, very annoyed ones), the doors shut with a gentle, malicious click.
I could only imagine what it must have looked like to her. I had smiled reassuringly, pretended to hold the doors open and then shut the elevator in her face.
What kind of a mean person does that?
She now refuses to acknowledge me when we bump into each other, and my hopes of making friends in this new place have died a silent death.
But that’s not all.
Every time I’m in a hurry, I’m sure to find both elevators parked on the floors furthest from me. And when I try to summon them, I can almost hear them arguing.
‘You go.’
‘No, you go.’
‘I went last time.’
‘So what? You are just a floor away.’
‘I don’t care. It’s your turn.’
And so on.
Quite like H and N when I call them to do a chore.
If I hesitate for even a moment, or stop to pick up my bag, or pause to smile at someone, the elevator tries to squish me. Once, it actually carried away my stole. Carried it right into its evil jaws while I barely managed to save myself.
I tell you, it’s personal.
I have now taken to dashing in and diving out without giving it a chance to mess with me. Of course, this means I sometimes knock over unsuspecting people. And no matter how profusely I apologise or how earnestly I try to explain this strange vendetta, I end up looking stupid.
All the while, I can practically hear the elevator laughing its mean little laugh. And if I so much as turn to give it a nasty look in return, I only succeed in further damaging my credibility.
What? Did I hear you say that an elevator is an inanimate object and cannot have feelings?
Hah!
You, dear sir, have no idea.
I’m not crazy, okay?
thank you for sharing.
You just have to get me opening my teeth today, LMFAO
Glad it made you laugh :-).
I hear you… loud and clear. have been through so many such instances, to the extent that there was a time I climbed up 9 floors. Yes panting loudly and cursing it all. But elevators do have their own Egos you see, they seldom care about us. 🙂
Woah! Nine floors must have been quite a climb. I’m glad we’re now on the 3rd.
Haha…I love the narration of this despite your plight! I don’t have to really take lifts all that much so it’s still occasionally a novelty when I do. I have however been stuck in a lift by myself when I was younger much to my mum’s worry.
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That’s good. For us it’s a part of our lives. We go up down multiple times a day. The children are curiously cool about being stuck too. They simply push the alarm and wait for help. I still feel a rising panic, though I’m better at managing it now.
Ha,ha,ha…total rofl read Tulika!! Can you believe it, I was practically rubbing my hands in glee as I read this! Why? Because dear friend, I have a similar daily battle I wage with all the electronic gizmos at home. All of them, up in arms against poor ol’ me!
That argument between the two lifts…too good!
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You’re right. Most gizmos don’t see eye-to-eye with me too. Once during college I remember taking my walkman (you remember those?) to the repair guy because it wasn’t working and all I’d done was put in the batteries wrong. And I did that twice, in a row. He must have thought me quite mad.
Not at all dear OM. All elevators have been programmed to cause a disservice to the people who use them. Besides, this is only another example of Murphy’s Law, which like other laws of physics invariably run true to form. I live on the 23rd floor and have to deal with a recalcitrant elevator at least twenty times a day. Holding the lift door open is a nightmare as it bangs shut without warning. And as for going up when you want to go down …….that happens at least once a day.
I just now accept things for the way they are and go with the flow…
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Yup, going with the flow is good. I have always lived on the 9th/10th floors. Now finally we’re on the 3rd which is so much better. On the odd day I can skip the elevator and so am not completely at its mercy. Though I have even climbed up 9 floors sometimes.
Oh I believe you crazy woman and a fist bump from another Crazy soul who believes the elevator has it for her. I chant a protective mantra everytime I do get in one or else it will freeze on me – it has happened, I swear on every thing holy and weird.
You must pray to the elevator gods (yes there is one) and maybe even appease it once in a while by sacrificing your pride to the stupid fear of it. It glories in that. And yes I know all about its evil grin and gabbar singh laughter.
Cant tell you how relieved I am that I am on the 1 st floor now and trust me even on days when I have heaviest of grocery bags in both hands, I climb the stairs.
Hugs from a fellow sufferer!!!! 😉
Hai na! It’s quite crazy. And scary too sometimes. I’m pretty careful now.
Hehe the elevators are conspiring against you. And you got stuck in one too. Not everybody gets to experience that. I have a whole different thing with elevator. I hate to be in a jam-packed elevator when I have a blocked nose and it makes farting noises everytime I breathe. I have to hold my breath for 20 floors
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Ha ha ha Raj congratulations on mastering this feat of holding your breath for 20 floors. It’s quite something.
hehe…no Tulika, you are not crazy. I believe you. I know it happens. It happens with electricity for me. Every time I want to heat milk for M in the microwave the electricity goes out and when I have just placed a pan with the milk on the gas, it comes back. Every single time!
Oh yes oh yes. Happens to me too. These technical devices are devious.
Hahaha… Elevator must be from Lucknow too accustomed to saying “Pehle aap jaayiye, Nahin pehle aap jaayiye.” Your incident of getting stuck in the elevator at the Mumbai Stock Exchange scared me to bits and so did that bit about you fasaaoing your foot between the elevator shutters in a bid to keep it from closing and its sensors did not work. Shit! I was scared to hell imagining this.
Pandit Anamika has a ‘upaay’ for you – Do the jaap ‘Om elevator mitraay namah’ 5 times in the morning and 5 times in the evening and see your elevator kusht disapppearing 😀 😀
I knew Swami Anamika would have a solution to my problems. Jaap it is now onwards.
Ah, I hear you sistah!
As much as I hate elevators, they hate me back equally too! I’m claustrophobic and getting into a lift takes every ounce of courage from me. If it gets stuck or shakes in between, I shit bricks! Nothing in the world is more scary than that, ah perhaps a mid-air turbulence comes close, but that story is for another day.
Elevators hate me. Reasons duly mentioned below.
1. The day I’m the most late to work, it stops at every floor before making it to mine.
2. Out of the six elevators, none of it stop on my floor when I have a crazy urge to pee.
3. The only time I get the lift at my apartment is when it is filled with noisy kids or sweaty adults. Not the elevators fault I know, but still!
4. I once walked straight in to the mirror of a lift! Yes, right into it!
5. Let them hate me, I hate them more. Bwahahahhaa 😀
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You walked into a mirror? That must have hurt. Oh and I completely forgot about the stopping on ever floor bit. That’s painful.
I’d love to hear the mid air turbulence story. Getting stuck in a lift definitely comes close.
hehe I could not help but laugh. Seriously, the elevator does seem to dislike you. 🙂 Luckily, living in Bangalore I hardly have to contend with elevators. But yes, back in Bombay, I remember how annoying the elevators sometimes could be. My house in Ahmedabad was on 2nd floor luckily and all in the family would never take elevators. Who would wait for it to come at its own pace?
It’s a relief to not be at the mercy of elevators. My parents live in a bungalow so we had nothing to worry there, but for the past few decades in Mumbai and Pune I have had to make my peace with them.
Hahahah….this was another hilarious post from you, Tuli!!! Loved it and was laughing like crazy all the way!
But, I hear you, girl. I stay on the 11th floor, and there are times when I am in a hurry to either go downstairs or reach home, that the lift decides to play tricks. And, even when we know that pressing the button, again and again, will bear no fruits, I keep doing it in the vain hope that the damn lift will budge! And, it doesn’t.
It comes to us only when it feels like it. The other day, I had to go down to fetch my nephew from the bus stop and the lift came to my floor and took me up to the 12th floor and then it just wouldn’t budge! I was coaxing and cursing the damn thing, but nothing happened. In fact, I also felt like jumping in the lift to give it a nudge, you know. Finally, I decided to go down by the stairs lest I miss the school bus. I had to climb down 12 floors and by the time I reached the ground floor, I was feeling dizzy,
These are not machines, Tuli….these are MEAN MACHINES!! Shh….let me not scream any louder coz I have to travel in it in an hour. Sunn legi toh beech raastey hi band pad jayegi..badla lene! 😀
See, I am feeling so good now after reading your post. Thanks a ton! <3
And, I hope you don't mind the "Tuli" 😛
!
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Ha ha ha.. Shilpa I don’t mind the nickname at all. That’s what my school and college friends call me.
I do hope your lift isn’t padhi-likhi so it can’t get to your comment. Or else toh you’re gone.