When husbands take charge

As the clock started its inexorable journey towards the nine o clock deadline the frantic pace of activity increased. Between wrapping up dinner, clearing the table and doing the beds I was trying to get the kids to brush and wash up before bedtime. “How I wish they would sleep on their own”, I complained.
My normally taciturn husband shifted his attention from the telly for a millisecond to comment on my tirade. “U haven’t trained them well,” said he, “They should have been sleeping on their own by now. You need to be strict.”
That was the fuse for my already frayed nerves.
“Train them yourself. Get them to sleep on their own,” I shot back.

Not one to refuse a challenge my husband retorted with a, “You just watch”. He proceeded to drive the kids to the bedroom while I walked off to my long untouched laptop.

I opened a half finished article I was working on as I heard him launch on a story starting with a, “One story and then I will go out and you sleep on your own, okay?”
I strained to listen to the response, which seemed certainly lukewarm. I firmly pulled my attention from the kids’ bedroom back to my laptop.

I had barely managed to get the thread of what I’d been typing when two tiny hands waved at me from the doorway, “guess whose hands are these,” said a pretend gruff voice and was followed with a bellow “Come right back Naisha.” The hands disappeared instantaneously.

Silence prevailed for some time and was then followed by sounds of loud thumping (apparently my husband was ‘patting’ the kids to sleep, which they’d long outgrown). Predictably enough then came sounds of crying. I blocked out the sounds and doggedly continued to sit at the computer. But not for long.

H was out with the complaint, “papa is smacking us.”
“Tell him not to,” said I as I ordered him back to bed.
Five minutes and it was N’s turn. “Mama can you please put us to sleep?” That, with the sweetest smile ever.
“Sleep with papa, today” said I.
“Papa has ‘germs’ on his face and I don’t like it”, she reasoned, referring to dad’s stubble.
“Well don’t cuddle then, sleep in your own bed,” said I trying to be ‘stern’.
She walked away… then back she came.
“May I give you a huggie before I go, please?” she queried.
“I like your smell,” she pronounced as she extricated herself from my hug. Then with a forlorn look she walked away to the bedroom blowing kisses all the way, which I was supposed to catch and pocket.
From the room I heard H threatening me, “Katti mama.. I’ll never ever talk to you.”

She the ‘poor girl’ he the ‘angry young man’, her pathos his anger – lethal combination. Too much to resist. I put the computer on standby with a sigh. Another year maybe, I promised myself. By five I’ll have them sleeping on their own.

No sooner was I was in the room and daddy was out. As I started on a story I could hear him happily tuning in to his favourite channel.

Back to square one.

Fat or what?

“Mama all the children are calling me motu”, cried H. His complaint brought an involuntary smile to my lips. It wasn’t that I was insensitive to his pain .. it’s just that it was so incongruous. One he is not fat.. at all, two even if he were, at four years of age he is just too young to start worrying about it.
In any case, he didn’t appreciate my smile at all and added with a wail, “They are teasing me mama.” I quashed the smile, gave him a hug and told him to not bother about it.
Even as I said that I knew I was asking for the impossible. At forty years of age, on the wrong side of 70 kgs, when someone tells me I am overweight it raises my hackles and in my mind that person is forever branded as insensitive and rude. And here I was advising a four-year-old to not mind his friends.
Predictably enough, he wasn’t convinced. “You give them a shout, please.” he then proceeded to escort all the kids in the playground, one by one, to their respective mothers and they were all dutifully admonished.
Kids can be quite ruthless and I do hope this teasing doesn’t stick.. once they figure out how much it distresses H I’m sure they’ll take to it with greater gusto.
What’s worse if it sticks, it stays for life.

Like it did for me. Never in my life have I been able to consider myself ‘not fat’ – thin is of course a dream. When I look back at some of my school pictures I realise I wasn’t really fat at all then.. but at that time I remember being constantly distressed about the weight — right through adolescence to — now.
I lay the blame squarely at the door of my sister and cousins. All of you guys, it is just because of you painfully thin, malnourished creatures that my chubby frame was so conspicuous. And the teasing… I don’t even want to start thinking about it.
I am having the last laugh, however. As we’ve grown older the ‘fat’ has caught up with ALL of us and ALL of us are having to work equally hard to keep it off. Hah. For me it’s an old enemy, so old that it’s almost become a part of me, a friend almost, by long association. I can handle it so much better. Double hah.
But don’t worry.. being a better human being than all of you I shall share my experience and wisdom. Write in for advice.

But I digressed… about H .. I do hope he never ever gets stuck in a body image like I did. I do hope he learns to be happy the way he is. But I do do do sincerely hope he NEVER EVER becomes overweight. Oh and N too.. though she’s so on the other side of the spectrum I don’t think I need to worry. Ummm… not yet at least (one can never tell with the evil ‘fat’).

Before I was a mum…

I never

Learnt to connect with the entire baby tribe dismissing them as a noisy, demanding bunch of inconveniences.

Stared back indignantly at co passengers in the flight who seemed to think of kids as a noisy, demanding bunch of inconveniences.

Opened the door with a gada in one hand and a dupatta in the other when the bell rang.

Answered the door with my hair in multiple ponytails because my daughter was practicing ribbon tying.

Slept with a gada, a tiger and a doll on the bed.

Danced around the fire at Lohri

Lay down on my stomach in the society parking lot to pull out a ball from under the car.

Habitually interrupted phone conversations to yell at the kids like a typical ‘smug married’.

Asked the pani puri wala for ‘just puris’ or the icecream man for ‘just cones’.

Walked with 19 kgs in one hand and 13 kgs in the other, on cranky days.

Rejoiced at a one hour window shopping opportunity ALONE…

… Then became deliriously happy when I reached home and was greeted with two very warm hugs.

Cried copiously while watching films like TZP. 

You’re the best Hrit

Dear Hrit..
This is my second letter to you after a long time and this one is proving a lot more difficult to write. But I’ve sat on it long enough, no more putting it off.

I’ll begin at the beginning…
I know it’s tough being pushed out into a world full of unfamiliar people. It’s tough finding your feet, trying to make sense of this crazy place and so I do understand why you seek out your sister every time. She is the one constant person in your life, the one person who, perhaps, knew you even before you were born. I understand why you want to stick with your friends or follow your mama around.

However, and now I come to the tough part, you need to realise that no one.. absolutely no one… is worth clinging to or following BLINDLY.. not your sister, not your friends, not papa, not even mama.
Oh yes I know there have been times when you have asked me ‘why?’ and I’ve answered with a ‘because I said so’. But don’t.. don’t accept that, not even from me. Give me a hard time by all means but USE YOUR BRAINS.. always. I know that by giving you this advice I might well be laying down battle lines for the future, but I’m game.

Doing what makes you happy, being yourself is more important than being anyone’s shadow, no matter how wonderful that person is.. doing what YOU want is more important than doing what you see someone else doing or doing what someone else wants you to do. It is tough I know but it’ll make you happier, that’s a guarantee.

So for now…
Don’t hit someone just because your best friend told you to without asking why.
Don’t stop cycling to play ball with your friends if that makes you unhappy.
Don’t wear a kurta pajama just because your sister is wearing her chaniya choli.
Eat your lollipop by all means without waiting for your sister.. if that makes you happy.

Different things make different people happy. Loving others, enjoying their company, trying to fit in are great, but never ever forget to listen to your brains and your heart. Giving up what you like for the sake of someone you love is wonderful but not always, and certainly not if it makes you unhappy or if you don’t think it’s right.
Your own happiness is of utmost importance.. an unhappy person can never make others happy. I repeat myself I know.. but this is important.

ee Cummings put it well…
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings, 1955.

You do pretty well on your own too. When I put you and your sister in different sections I was apprehensive.. yes even I underestimated your courage and your resilience. But you settled in. And you’re learning fast .. coming home with nuggets of knowledge everyday that never fail to surprise and delight me.. You don’t need to depend on anyone for no one is stronger or smarter than you.

I can’t sign off, however, without adding that if you do ever exhaust your courage and need a hand to hold, if you do ever feel lost and need someone to help you make a decision your father and I are here… always… waiting to help yet hoping you never need it.

Love

mama

On story telling

Doctors say one should start reading to the kids from the time they are born.. or even when they are still fetuses. By those standards we were late starters.

Initially of course the days were a haze of formula mixing and nappy changing. The only story that appealed to me was that of Sleeping Beauty.. sleeping for a hundred years.. bliss, I thought.

Which one to tell?

Then there was the issue of which one to tell. What with fairy tales peppered with evil step mothers and sisters, the choice was limited. (Take Cinderella, Snow White or for my mythology crazy kids – the Ramayan). There were fathers who abandoned their children in the jungle (Hansel and Gretel), and scary endings galore. The Pied Piper who walked away with the kids gives even me goose bumps or Red Riding Hood who was eaten up by the wolf along with her grandma.. positively a no no.

So what’s a mama to do?

Well tired of trying to pick and choose I simply proceeded to sanitize the stories. First to go were all stepmothers replaced neatly by ‘naughty aunty/queen’. Kaikeyi was just a ‘naughty queen’ in Dashrath’s palace.

Then went the scary endings.. Pied Piper was given his money and made to bring back the children, a hunter heard Red Riding Hood and scared the wolf away (the grandma also runs away instead of being eaten up).

Lastly I did away with the death sequences… the evil queen in Snow White falls off the hill ‘never to be seen again’, The troll in the Three Billy Goats is ‘carried away by the river’, the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk simply ‘breaks his head’.

Yet there are questions..
From Naisha: In Jack and the Beanstalk the giant falls so, “His mama must have been sad.. she was nice, she helped Jack and still Jack hurt her son.” 
This one from Hrit: “When Ravan died was Vibhishan sad?”
And another one from him: “Bad logon ko mar dena chahiye mama?”

The best bet…
… I found were our good old Panchatantra stories. Then there are the Pooh and Dora series which were just perfect.

The doctor says…
The counselor advised me to make up animal stories for the kids. So there are stories about…

A rabbit who used to push other animal kids (for Hrit when he’s naughty in the playground)
A calf who laughed at someone who fell down (for both of them)
A lion cub who learnt to make new friends (for when we moved to Pune)
A teddy bear who is naughty at the doctor’s (to while away time at the clinic)
A pup who wouldn’t come home from play in time (to get them home after playtime)
A Jack story about a boy who is naughty at a birthday party (for when I have to send the kids alone to parties)

However what I’m most proud of is my Cocktail Story.. that’s for the time when Hrit and Naisha both want a story of their choice and there’s time for just one so I give them a cocktail and wonder of wonders — They love it.