Category: me

Posted on

The end-of-year post

I am glad 2015 is ending. It was a tough year. And I have a hypothesis why – a trifle hare-brained but a hypothesis nonetheless.

Let me first state that I’m not superstitious. That said, I did read somewhere that the number 8 is ruled by Saturn and that people who are a number 8 (who’s date of birth adds up to  8) are often faced with obstacles. Extending the same logic to the year (Don’t ask my why, don’t even bother to think if it makes sense) I figured since it was a no 8 (2+0+1+5) it had to be a tough one.

Go ahead laugh away but you had been warned.

The Husband was away (and unhappy) for most of the year and the kids and I got onto each other’s nerves. They faked unending illnesses and drove me crazy and if they’d be blogging they probably write how I’d driven them up the wall with my impatient ways and my continuous yelling. Sigh! Nope, none of us has been easy to live with.

Later in the year a very good friend, a kind of 3am buddy, moved away to a different country. Even though we weren’t together all the while we did make time for much needed coffee dates and I could talk to her about pretty much anything. That is rather rare because although I talk a lot (to almost anyone) I don’t share much of the real stuff easily.

Then our Zumba instructor quit and my exercise schedule crashed. Only if you are an exercise regular will you realise how dreadful that can be. It plays havoc with your fitness  and what’s worse, it makes you unhappy and crabby and totally unfit for any kind of company.

However as the year ends things are seeming to fall into place and I have a good feeling about 2016 – it’s a nice number 9 :-). I’m not a resolution person – one year is really too long a time to stick to even one of them. However I can hope and make a wish. And while I’m at it why make just one? So here’s what I wish for me in the new year.

With the Husband readying for a new assignment and the kids entrenched firmly in their tweens change is set to be the new constant of my life. I like routine and work best to a plan so change is my undoing. The plan for this year is to be ready with a constantly changing plan. That’s my first wish:

Welcome change.

Next on the list is trust. Trust in myself. When it comes to decisions that concern me or the kids I know best, and I need to remember that. Nobody is in my shoes, no one – not my neighbour, not my best friend not even my sister or my mom. And if I make mistakes, well they’re mine to own and I shall live with them. This, I need to remember: 

Trust ‘me’.

This year I met up with a friend who swears by The Secret. I tried reading the book but didn’t quite take to it. However I do believe in the power of positive thinking. Here’s the mantra she gave me, ‘Focus on what you want, don’t obsess about the ‘how’ or about the obstacles that will stall you – things have a way of falling in place. I like the sound of that. And so that’s the third wish:

Believe first, then make it happen.

I’m a master procastinator. Being on my own means there’s no one to push me to do things and so the status quo just goes on and on till it can no longer wait and then I have this avalanche of work to deal with and I end up feeling completely overwhelmed. That’s my next mantra:

Put off procrastination. 

Fitness is always on my mind however what I need is consistency. Here goes my next wish for myself: One form of exercise everyday baring Sundays – Walk/Zumba/Weights whatever but:

An hour of exercise. 

And lastly for obvious reasons I wish for me, 

Patience.

…lots and lots of it.

What is it that you wish for yourself in the new year? Hope you get it all and that 2016 is as perfect as it can get.

Posted on

A gratitude post

There’s something peculiar about how time flies between posts. I checked back and realised almost three weeks had gone by since I last wrote. Going through my posts I also realised I have been sounding upset and angry and overworked.. which is true to some extent, however it’s not like I haven’t had my happy moments. And so today I shall try to count my blessings.

Here are 10 things that made me happy and/or grateful.

1. The Husband came home after a harrowing time at the Chennai floods with scary tales of being stranded without food (that he’s a diabetic made it worse) yet also with heartwarming stories of strangers lending a helping hand. A man on the road lent him his phone to call us (since his died out), a small kiosk owner lent him money (because the ATMs were all down) and another one got him food. It was amazing how adversity brought out the best in so many people.
That’s definitely something to be grateful for.
2. My relationship with the gym has seen more misses than hits these last few months. However I’ve managed to include a walk most mornings. That it is in the company of some good friends and great conversation makes it something I truly look forward to. 
3. And the days I do manage to go, for a Zumba session that one hour is without fail the happiest hour of my day.
4. At a function in our apartment complex H and N put up a performance together and did pretty well. That’s reason to rejoice – not that they did it well but that did something TOGETHER without absolutely killing each other. They recited an edited version of the TV poem from Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory –  a most delightful read.
5. Another happiness comes from the Book Club which is back on it’s feet. Despite having a million things on my mind, I’ve managed to keep it going simply because that one hour with the children makes me happy. It’s a bit of a struggle but is completely worth it. 
6. I got some long pending chores done all on my own. I won’t go into what they were (mind numbingly boring stuff mostly, including painting the house) but I did get successively happier with each tick on the to-do list.
7. The next happiness is courtesy my daughter. N has been on a good behaviour streak for some time now (even as I write this I feel I’m jinxing it) and that’s been a source of happiness and gratitude. An evening spent struggling with her homework all on her own is a tiny miracle for a reluctant academic like her.

8. The husband’s absence these past few months made me handle chores which were essentially ‘his’ territory and he was duly impressed even though I’ll had to hit him on the head to make him admit it. But he knows. And I know that he knows and He knows that I know that he knows… so it’s a yay!

9. Holidays are round the corner and I am beginning to feel all Christmasy and holidayee. I hear carols around me and the kids have put up the Christmas tree already. Good things are round the corner, I’m sure.


10…. And lastly, finally finally I managed a post.

There! Those are the things that made up my happiness. Your turn now – tell me what made you happy.
Posted on

Memories and random ramblings

The other day I was reading this post at Pins and Ashes about memories and how she stored them in her head. She said she deleted the bad ones and stored away the good ones into neat little boxes like we store earrings.

I realised I did it the earring way too but not quite like her. I did it the way I store earrings which, by the way, I am very fond of. I have loads of them and have a box with squares to store them too. However barely any two of a pair are in the same box. They are all together in one big jumble along with bracelets, bangles and what not. If there is some vague organisation it would be in order of how much I love them and how often I wear them. So the gold-diamond-garnets  might be in the same box as one I picked up at the roadside in Goa.

That’s quite how my memories are stored – here there and all over the place – the good ones and the bad ones all mixed together so it is almost impossible to separate the two. When I pick one up another one comes dangling along and I have no idea which one it might be. A small inconsequential one, might be jumbled up with a large important one like an inane remark someone made years ago at an office party, or the clothes a friend wore a decade ago at a school social or some random interaction at the bus-stop between two people I don’t even know.

Then along comes someone and I begin to dig into this chaos to find something to say. If that someone is a mere acquaintance I’d be tiptoeing around in my head thinking ‘which is a safe memory I can share?’. The conversation will be stilted at best.

However if it’s a friend, I pull them all out pell-mell without worrying. The conversation then comes spilling forth, without a pause, one thing leading to another, stories, thoughts, feelings, emotions all together. And if you’re my kind of friend you’ll probably be doing the same till we’re struggling to get in a word, completing each others sentences, agreeing and disagreeing vehemently, laughing hard, probably annoying people around us and then wondering where the time went.

So how do you do it? All organised? Or is it a crazy place up there?
Posted on

A rant

Do you have days when nothing seems to be coming together? When you wake up each morning with a fresh resolve for a cheerful day and watch the resolve done and dead within a few hours? When the kids just won’t stop whining? When every interaction with them is a struggle? When, just as you fix one situation, another one is upon you? 

It’s been a bit like that over the last week or two. The twins have been down with a bunch of real and imagined ailments. That I am not able to figure out which is which is driving me crazy.

First H complained of throat pain. Over the evening it escalated, and by night time he was wringing his hands and crying out each time he swallowed. After a panicked phone call to my doctor SIL I rushed out to buy medicine. As I got back I heard him singing, yes singing out loud, loud enough to be heard outside the house. And it has returned each night – the hand wringing and the moaning hasn’t stopped despite my threats and pleadings. 

Then it was N’s turn. She complained of a headache. Do kids have headaches? Anyway, since she rarely falls ill, I assumed she just wanted a day at home (since H had called in sick a few days back) and I went along with it. She stayed home, read, drew, coloured, crafted and cycled through the day and seemed all fine till evening. And then the ‘ache’ was back moving to her stomach accompanied with ‘nausea’ (‘every time I eat I feel like puking’) and loss of appetite. Back I was to the SIL wondering if the vague symptoms indicated jaundice till I ruled it out.

That’s how it’s been between the two of them.

Do I sound over-anxious? Yeah, I do, even to myself. But at that point their illnesses seem very real and very worrisome. I wonder if kids have any clue how their vague and casual complaints leave mums stressed.

And then there are mosquitoes….

Many nights in a row H has been waking me up because he hears a ‘buzz’. He’s mortally scared of mosquitoes – scared, not annoyed like the rest of us. I’ve tried everything – from repellent gadgets to creams. He has always been a mosquito magnet but I’m beginning to think the buzz is more in his head than anywhere else. Each night he walks into my room at ungodly hours, shutting doors and windows till I suffocate, screaming if he hears a buzz and then falling asleep leaving me waiting for the alarm so I can get on with my day. 

Mornings find me irritable with a body ache that refuses to go. I am unable to go to the gym which means hanging out at home feeling horribly fat and cranky (Ugh!). I resent every phone call, every knock at the door, even the maid – anything that comes between me and my shut eye, which just doesn’t happen. It’s a bit like I was back to their baby years with the sleep starvation.

I’ve been wondering if it’s that’s what making me over-anxious. After all the kids couldn’t have changed overnight. I should be used to their myriad illnesses.  I AM used to them. I could always figure out the real from the fake. Now I just cannot seem to.

This is unusual too – this rant. I do not usually rant unless I have a physical person sitting in front of me – when I bug the h*** out of them – someone from my list of ‘privileged’ few :-). Unfortunately  that hasn’t been possible and you have had to bear the brunt of it. 

On a positive note the discovery of the day has been that a good bath seems to wash away a lot of my crabbiness. Highly recommended for bad days when everything seems to be going wrong. That and a change in schedule seems to make me feel better.

As a new week comes up I have my fingers crossed.

Posted on

Notes from a self conscious soul 2 – Beating the monster

It’s been a while since ‘Notes from a self conscious soul
-1’ happened and I’m beginning to feel a bit guilty about not doing the part 2. Anyway I finally managed to get it down.
Let me begin by saying you probably know all of this. But
sometimes it just helps hearing it from someone else or hearing it over and
over again.
We begin with the thought that we’re in good company, heck, great company. Take a look: 
I'm one of the world's most self-conscious people. I really have to struggle. - Marilyn Monroe 
Yeah that’s an original Marilyn Monroe quote, Marilyn of the billowing dress fame. Oh she well and truly decimated the monster.
Speaking from personal experience two things that worked for me were –

One – Growing older: There’s some serious magic in the way age puts things in perspective. I find myself trying new things and enjoying them. Don’t we often call old people eccentric? In all probability they are simply doing exactly as they please. I’m so looking forward to turning into an eccentric old woman.
and Two – Having kids: Seriously, the little monsters can scare the s**t out of the big one. Since they came along, the twins found so many different ways to embarrass me at so many different levels that by the time they had figured out what the word ’embarrassment’ means I had attained nirvana. I mean where’s the space for the e-word after being publicly subjected to raging tantrums, being made to fish out tiny transformer parts from public dustbins and I don’t even want to think about what happened in lingerie section of the mall. Yeah they pretty much did it for me.
Unfortunately all of that is not quite in our hand. Some friends swear by the good effects of the ‘spirit’ if you know what I mean – a drink or two and you’re good to go. The results however can be a tad unpredictable and if that’s not your style you need to try other ways. Here’s how:

Take on the monster full blast: 

The more often you trounce it the easier it becomes, a minuscule degree at a time – but better it does get. I well remember how utterly embarrassed I was when my first byline appeared in the newspaper. Happy yes, most definitely, but embarrassed as hell too. Yet I wrote and wrote and wrote. It helped that it was part of my job and that I had little choice. But on I went and here I am writing about the monster himself. Ah progress!!!

Know your stuff: 

Knowledge and practice is another way to go after it. Practice, practice and more practice. 

Relive your successes:

.. and store them away in your head. The next time the monster comes by you know you’ve kicked it once you can do it again. And remember that wonderful after-the-kick moment? Bliss, isn’t it? Savour it.

Focus on others: 

If you haven’t realised this already there are many people like us out there. It makes sense then to have each other’s backs. Watch out for that new girl in your class, say a Hello. See someone struggling with a machine in the gym – lend a hand. The friendlier you make the atmosphere around you the more comfortable you feel, as does your friend and that makes both your monsters decidedly uncomfortable. Two birds one stone :-).

Talk to yourself:

Remind yourself that others are human – just like you – and that nobody is the best at everything. Remind yourself of the things you’re reasonably good at. You might not be the best conversation maker but you may rule the research lab, you may not set the dance floor on fire but you may light up a classroom. It takes courage to do something you know you’re not good at, so if you’ve put yourself in that uncomfortable situation, you’re one brave person. Remind yourself.

Lighten up:

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself, admit your slip-up and ask for help if you need to.

Lastly, it really doesn’t matter: 

It helps to tell yourself that. IT DOES NOT MATTER. It really doesn’t. Your fashion faux pas, your clumsy dance, your tongue tied appearance at the party – it will all be forgotten. People do forget. Sooner than you think.
The other option of course, is to go through life, playing it safe, avoiding judgement, keeping away from situations that require you to put yourself out there. You can do it. I’ve done that, for a long long time. But life’s just that much more fun if you put up a fight and win, right?

Do give it a shot. Kick that monster (and keep kicking it) then watch how free, spontaneous and wonderfully happy you feel.
Privacy Policy Proudly powered by WordPress