Proud, happy and grateful

N’s Bharatnatyam annual day was round the corner and her dance guru called a meeting for parents. I found an inconspicuous corner and sat listening dutifully to the instructions. And then the teacher said, “All women have to come in saris.” (That five meters of traditional Indian garment which can be such a nightmare to drape).

I sat up in some alarm.

I had ended my relationship with the sari some 10 years ago when the twins were born. I tried to renew it once rather tentatively and promptly tripped and fell flat while carrying a two-year-old N. That was when I swore off it. Forever.

I had no intention of going back now.

The announcement propelled me from my corner and I heard myself ask, “Can we come in a suit?” For the first time, I found the full glare of the guru’s eyes on me. I have to confess here that she is rather intimidating. You know how these gurus are – unbending principles, strict discipline and all of that. While I appreciate that an unflinching attitude is essential to teach a serious dance form I have to admit it stresses me out because I am forever fumbling unsure what I might do to upset a rule. That is exactly why I try to make myself invisible at these meetings. “Let’s keep it formal,” she said shortly, “Saris only”. I quailed and looked around for support from the other mums but all of them stared back at me with a don’t-waste-time-with-such-a-non-issue look.

For once I wished I were a man. The only instruction they had was ‘don’t come in jeans’. Hey hello! How unfair was that! We are sentenced to a struggle with five meters of cloth and all they have to do is change out of their jeans! Arrrrrgh!

I receded to my corner wondering what I’d do. Should I send someone in stead of me, I thought desperately. But I wanted to see N on stage and I already had the saris but the blouses – I wouldn’t fit into any of them any longer. Something ready made perhaps would have to do. Pushing down the panic, I reasoned, once the blouse was sorted, it wouldn’t be too bad. All I had to do was dress up, sit, watch, collect N and come home. Yeah! I could do it. I’d manage.

And then I heard the guru’s assistant calling out “Where is N’s mother?” (Yeah she doesn’t even know my name – told you I always hid away) “You’re the volunteer for the Ashtalakshmi performance.” With that she
gave the word ‘volunteer’ a whole new dimension and me a whole new world of panic.

‘Volunteer’ meant no sitting down quietly, in fact no sitting down at all. It meant tucking your palla at your waist and taking charge of a group of girls. Their entry on the stage and their exit, their makeup and accessories, which are mind boggling by the way. N is a junior and her costume alone had 5 pieces. Then there were some 10 bits of jewellery to go with it.

Me.. a non dancer, a non ‘makeuper’, a non stage person, a non sari wearer – me – had to do all of that! And I have no clue why I was picked. I put it down to some really bad deeds of my past birth. Karma.

But it all worked out …

… just as most things in my life have a way of working out. Have I said this before? That I am exceptionally lucky? No, really, I am. It turned out the SIL had the perfect sari and I managed to squeeze into her blouse too. How’s that for luck?

I got dressed in 10 minutes flat. It’s amazing how it all came back to me, just the way my mum had taught me decades ago – what went where, how many pleats to go on the shoulder, how to tuck in the sari firmly so I needed just a single pin. Oooh I felt accomplished!

Besides, I had no time to fuss since N had to be dressed and we had to report early and then there were those 8 girls waiting for me at the venue.Once there it was a blur of getting the giggly talkative bunch ready, running around with hair clips and safety pins, someone had forgotten her dupatta while another one broke her jhumka. Oh it was such delightful chaos.Finally they were all ready and everything was perfect, N looked beautiful as did every single girl on stage. Watching the delighted, proud, excited faces around me I felt a wave of happiness wash over me or was it gratitude? Gratitude, that everything had come together so wonderfully, gratitude for being a part of so much happiness. 

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. And to think I considered not coming for the sake of a sari.

Linking up to Vidya’s Gratitude Circle Blog Hop. Do click on the link and head on over.

 

Bringing up Tweens

The twins are officially in their tweens now – that rather ambiguous age from 9 to 12 when they’re beginning to think of themselves as all grown up’ while we parents are still struggling to get used to them being ‘no longer babies’.

It’s worse, if that’s possible, for twins of different genders because this is the time when gender stereotyping takes over more than ever and their differences become even more pronounced.

The boys become more boyish with the painful ‘I hate girls’ phase at it’s peak before the decline begins when the teens set in. And no thank you I’d much rather not think what that’s going to be like.

As for the girls, well they become girly, annoyingly so – dressing and preening till the mirror throws up it’s hands in frustration.

If you’re looking for some help with your tween do check out my debut piece at Parentous and don’t forget to share your own dos and don’ts. I can always do with more help.

On standing up for yourself

I am a non-confrontationist. I’ve been one all my life. During the decade or more of my working life there were a few times when I had a difference of opinion with a colleague, an argument maybe, but mostly I managed without much of a fight. When a co-wroker was specially infuriating I fretted and fumed endlessly but always in solitude or I would unburden myself before the hapless husband. Having done that I would always go back to work the next day with a smile on my face.
When people stepped onto my toes, I’d not just remove my toes I’d also have a smile for them. Nope I wasn’t a Buddha. I resented each unfairness. But I let it go because of my fear – an irrational dread – of creating a scene. I’d back off even if I was right, even more if the other person was rude, loud or overly aggressive. Some of it sprang from being a very self-conscious person. I wrote about it earlier here .
But I thought it was a good philosophy – I mean, why rankle someone when you can get by without?
Then the twins came along. 

It’s one thing to voluntarily subject yourself to unfairness, however small, and a whole different thing to watch the kids being subjected to it either by inclusion (because I wouldn’t stand up for them – ‘Let it go’, I’d say) or because they were picking up what I practiced.

I watched N agreeing with things she didn’t really like, letting people take her for granted, bending backwards for her playmates.

“There really is nothing worse than seeing your weaknesses reflected in your kids.

H was a different story. If I said ‘Let it go’ he’d say ‘But why? Isn’t it unfair.” It was. He was right. It was unfair and dishonest – dishonest to your own self. He bugged me till I had to face up to what I was doing:
“I was being nicest to the nastiest person.
That was the unpleasant truth about me : My best side was reserved for the person most likely to be nasty to me.
Once I knew the truth I could no longer talk myself out of answering some more uncomfortable questions. 
– Is that what I want the twins to be? 
– To give in to bullies (kids or adults) just because they were afraid of a scene? 
– To bear with untrue/unfair allegations because they didn’t want to put up a fight? 
– To give in to pressure because they didn’t know how to protest? 
– To always take the more peaceful, the easier way out of situations?

I knew the answer to that one. 

And I made myself start over. It isn’t easy to let go of a personality trait – one you’ve lived with for decades. However, I have started to ‘take the bull by it’s horns’ to use a cliche. I’m not good at it at all. Repartees don’t come easily to me. I still am dumbstruck by outright rudeness.
Yet I have begun to find my voice sometimes. I register a protest, even if it is a tiny one, even if it is much after the incident, even if it seems a tad out of context. I make myself go back to the offender and say what I have to – that I didn’t think their behaviour was appropriate, that I did not agree with the way they treated me or the kids.

It’s hard but I’m doing it. It’s not perfect either but it’s a start. Sometimes it’s necessary to tell the person stepping on your toes to take his feet elsewhere.

That’s a lesson I want the twins to remember.
***********

Linking up to Finish the Sentence Friday. Heartfelt thanks to Leah from Little Miss Wordy for this chance at introspection with her sentence prompt ‘Once I knew the truth I could no longer talk myself out of…’ Also thanks to Kristi from Finding Ninee  for hosting.

To boil or not to boil?

I was at the doctor’s a few days back with an extremely painful neck and
shoulder. Looking at my X-Ray he tut tutted all over it then pronounced
‘Cervical Spondilitis’ – which I believe is pretty common these days. He also
found ‘abysimally low’ levels of Vitamins D and B.
He went on to prescribe,
along with a bunch of medicines, more time outdoors (which I liked), swimming
(which thrilled the kids since I’m never able to make time to take them
swimming) and a bunch of medicines. He also asked me to stop boiling the milk that I had everyday. 
What? Not boil milk?
Hasn’t that been an intrinsic part of my morning routine? Just as it was my
mom’s and her mom’s too.
However, what the doctor
said made sense – If we are drinking pasteurised milk we don’t really need to
boil it. Pasteurisation meant it had been boiled and cooled already, the
bacteria had been taken care of. When we boil it again, he said, we kill the
vitamins, specially those of the B Group.
A look at google pretty
much confirmed what he said but confused me too. I had no clue there was so
much science to boiling milk the correct way. I mean you put it in a pan, put
it on the stove, watch it till it comes up then switch it off. Right?
Wrong. I found a bunch of dos and don’ts and I got so confused that I
wiped them clean off my mind.
I decided to do my own
thinking. 


Here’s why I felt I needed to boil the milk: 
1. The packets are often so dirty that it is difficult to believe the milk they contain is safe.
2. After boiling I
could remove the layer of cream and get toned milk (the fight against
fat, remember?)
3. The milk lasts longer
once it is boiled.
4. And lastly of course – generations of habit.
I have now struck a mid-path
to make sure I get my vitamins:


1. I wash the
packets thoroughly before I cut them open. 
2. I switched to double
toned milk. A friend suggested switching to cow’s milk – I might do that – it’s
lighter on the stomach.
3. I try to consume it on
the same day and boil only what I need to carry over to the next day.
It seems to be working
fine as of now.
So do you boil your milk
or was it only me all this while?

When I look in the mirror, I see..

 

When I look in the mirror, I see…..

my daughter’s small face peeking from behind me, a smile lighting it up like sunshine,
‘May I please leave my hair open today?’ she asks.
I turn back and look at her, ‘If you’re going to play, you make a pony, you know that.’
‘Okay,’ she agrees reluctantly taking over the mirror.
I move away to see my son dashing down with his shirt half tucked in, hair askew, collar standing.
I make a grab for him, ‘You can’t go down like that. Take two minutes to stand before the mirror and look at yourself.’
‘Excuse me,’ he says to the daughter with mock sweetness, squeezing in beside her, trying to smooth down his hair with one hand while stuffing his shirt into his jeans with the other then dodges me and runs away, collar still standing.
She then takes over the mirror. I watch her tying a neat little pony, meticulously tucking her hair in before skipping off. A sigh and a smile and I get on with my day.

 

When I look in the mirror, I see… 

a cushion flying right at me. I duck and it crashes into its reflection. H tries to look contrite while N chortles, ‘Bad aim!!’ And I turn pretending to be angry only to pick up the offending cushion and join in the fight. I see the look of surprise on the twins’ faces turn to delight as I thump each of them in turn. I win hands down till they decided to team up and have me down in a moment. Finally we all dissolve into laughter and collapse onto the bed in a happy heap.

 

 

When I look in the mirror, I see …. 

 

Deep laugh lines, crows feet by the eyes.
A head of brown hair with some silver surprise.
A few frown lines up there on the forehead
For worries are part of a life well lead.


What I really see is a contented me
a contented me smiling right back at me.


But she has a complaint, or is it a plea?
She’d like to perhaps, see a little more of me.
Yes, I assure her, just a few years more
And then I’ll have time, time galore


For now let me be, for a few years let go,
I can’t stop now lest I miss the kids grow.

 

Once they’ve grown and have learnt to fly
That’s when we’ll talk, we’ll talk – you and I
But until that happens I have little time for you
a glimpse or two will just have to do.

***********