Mommywars Archives - Obsessivemom

24/11/201515/04/2017

Obsessivemom needs a break

The OM is upset. It’s the kids. They have been giving her a specially rough time. Put it down to the long Diwali break, the absence of the husband or simply to the twins’ terrible tweens. She’s been by turns, angry, hurt and frustrated. So she seeks out her better self – The Sane Mum. You might remember her from here here or here .

OM: Did you just see how the twins spoke to me? How unappreciative and ungrateful they have become? And how very rude!

SM: I did. Have you noticed that they’re growing up?

OM: I have. But does that mean they have to be rude and argumentative all the time? They’re children still and I am still their mum. I still AM the older one around here. Or does no one remember that any longer?

SM: It might do well for you to remember that you are the older one here. You aren’t really handling this like a grown up. Actually, I’ve been waiting awhile to have this conversation.

I’ve watched you being drawn into long fruitless arguments. I see you realising you’re going nowhere and yet unable to stop.

I’ve seen the endless war of wills and watched them all end badly.

I’ve seen you get into control freak mode the more they resist; the more you control the more they resist.

I’ve watched the kids trying to assert their independence and also seen with regret how you’ve waited for them to fail.
And then you’ve been ready with your ‘I told you sos’.

I’ve seen Mushy Mum (MM) run and hide till Mean Mum (MeM) takes over and then I’ve been witness to your heartfelt regret.

Cut them, and yourself, some slack will you!

OM: So you’ve been having a laugh at my expense? Well, they might THINK they’re grown up but I still have to guide them in a hundred things. They NEED me still.

SM: … and they always will. But perhaps it’s time to guide them not by holding their hand and leading them but simply by showing them the way.

OM: It’s just easier to pull them along.

SM: Sure is. Keep doing that and watch them run the other way.

OM: There’s no need to get sarcastic.

SM: Uh okay..sorry. I kind of know how you feel. It’s the way you’re made – manufactured to obsess. But you need a makeover, and fast, or you’re set to lose them.

OM (panicking): Lose them?

SM: Yeah. You need to remember that the kids are no longer babies. What worked for you might not work for them … or it may … they want to figure it out themselves. Let them do it. They need a break from your obsessing.

OM: So it’s all my fault? Exactly whose side are you on?

SM: Their’s. But so are you, aren’t you? We’re all on the same side.

OM: Yeah right but I don’t want to leave.

MM: Nor do I. They just don’t want me around these days.

SM: I don’t think ANY of us wants to leave. But OM you need to change into me, or at least disguise yourself really well as me. As for MM, you need to be around too but don’t ever, ever show up in public. Keep those hugs and kisses in check. When the two of you are in your element there really is no space for me. And you do need me most at this point of time.

OM: You’re unbearably pompous. So the two of us should go into hiding while you rule the roost?

SM: That’s right. Unless you want to lose the kids.

OM: No no of course not. I’ll give it a shot but I have a feel this is going to be a rough ride. Sigh!

09/10/201321/08/2017

The tooth story

When the first tooth fell, in our house, it was a tough call to decide who was more excited – the kids or Mushy Mum (MM). The tooth fairy was excited too, it would seem, and overdid the gifting thing a bit, or so Sane Mum (SM) thought.In order to put things in perspective and undo the damage, SM took great pains to explain to the kids that it was only the falling of the first tooth that was an important landmark and that for subsequent teeth the excitement (read gift) would be significantly lower.

But who’s to stop the kids’ from hoping?

Each time a tooth fell it was washed and cleaned with immense care and placed under the pillow. However under SM’s hawk eye the tooth fairy wasn’t allowed to go overboard. Were the kids disappointed? Nope. They were thrilled that the tooth fairy kept making an appearance. Soon cards were accompanying each tooth under the pillow.

Then N got two of her teeth extracted at one go (because the new ones had already come and the milk teeth refused to fall). That was some ordeal. SM gritted her teeth through it all. MM cried buckets along with N and swore she saw a tear glint in SM’s eye too. Desperate to make the tears stop MM once again handed out the tooth fairy sop telling N to expect a BIG gift because she’d been so brave. A disapproving SM could only look on. N drafted a card for the tooth fairy…

Then recently H lost another one. He lovingly placed it under his pillow along with a letter.

Early next morning he lifted the pillow … to find the tooth still there.

The tooth fairy forgot!

Apparently, even MM forgot to nudge her into action. After a long and complicated story of busy fairies the tooth was placed under the pillow yet again the next night. Kids don’t give up easily you see. And would you believe it, the tooth fairy forgot… again!!

Now this was unforgivable. Even SM felt a twinge at Hrit’s disappointed face. “Why isn’t she coming?” he asked. “I didn’t want anything from her this time”. When the ever sceptical SM opened his letter here’s what it said….

Just a bit of background.. this year we celebrated the twins’ birthday with both sets of grandparents and a plethora of uncles, aunts and cousins. SM knew everyone would be asking them “what do you want for your birthday”. To ensure they don’t get swept away by this deluge of indulgent relatives she, partly seriously and partly for fun taught them to say “I don’t want anything, I just want your blessing.” It ended up as a family joke with the grandparents making them say it over and over again and rolling with laughter when they obliged, folded hands et al.

Never knew it would surface months later in a letter to the tooth fairy.

28/03/201215/04/2017

The family that sleeps together…

…… doesn’t get much sleep at all
Pic Courtesy Google

In a few months the kids’ll turn 6. That’s a huge landmark considering they’ll ‘graduate’ to primary school. And so I thought it was high time they slept in their own beds. Unfortunately three and three fourths of our family thinks it’s a bad idea.

First, half the family – the kids (TK) are convinced they can happily snuggle up with papa and mama till they’re hundred.

Then, there’s The Husband (TH) who misses the kids sorely at night and doesn’t think much of my plans. Each night he tells me “bring them over to our room”.

Then there’s 3/4 me – the mushy mum (MM). Oh how she loves having the kids sleep near her, their little hands on hers, their gentle breath on her cheek, cuddling warmly, sharing a blanket… sigh she misses them so.

And finally 1/4 me – the sane mum (SM). She’s the only one on whose shoulders rests the responsibility of making it happen.

It really hasn’t been easy for SM with TKs staring at her with tear-filled eyes and TH watching her with a look more suited to Dashrath when Kakeyi banished Ram to the forest while MM has simply been wringing her hands in worry. But SM stands firm in her resolve.

A family conversation on the issue would go somewhat like this…

SM: H, N come, see I’ve put a special bed for you. You’ll be sleeping in your own room from now on.
TK (not quite ready for it, wrapping their tiny arms around my waist): But we’ll be scared mama.
MM: Okay fine we’ll try later.
SM (Quashing MM’s outburst sternly): I’m just across the hall. Call me if you get scared and I’ll be right there with you.
TK (in tears): But we like to cuddle with you when we sleep.
MM (in tears): Baby I like to cuddle you too.
SM : You can cuddle your favourite teddy.
TH (With studied casualness): Think of the extra cost – two ACs and two fans running through the night.
SM: Never mind.
MM (Pretending to be the voice of practicality): Think of the extra work – two covers to be removed each night, two beds to be cleared up and two beds to be made each morning.
SM: I’ll do it.
TK (wailing): We’re still babies, we’re not even six.
TH: They really are too small.
MM (Hating SM and desperately, hoping for a change of heart): Oh yes you’re too small.. my babies.
SM : You’re almost six.. that’s really grown up.

SM prevailed. The kids were bribed with the promise of a bunk bed on their birthday while the voice of The Husband and The Mushy Mum were ruthlessly crushed.

Since Sunday, the kids have been sleeping in their room. While N sleeps like the proverbial baby, H has come to wake up Mama each night with a “Can you please sleep with me”. Each night she has gone to put him back to sleep and have then come back to her bed. That, of course, has wrecked havoc on her schedule heavy with daily chores and the rather tough gym routine.

Four days later… SM is wavering, specially at night when MM takes over. The memory of those tear-filled eyes refuses to leave her alone. She lies awake as she wonders – will they fall out of bed? Will they get scared? Will I hear them if they call? She goes to check on the kids countless times during the night for at heart the SM is an MM. Or maybe SM doesn’t exist at all….. maybe she’s simply ….. a mum.

NO … she’s there, she has to be there, she’s only too real, she’s the voice of reason. She’s the one who will help the kids through tough times, when the MM becomes incapable of clear thought driving herself crazy with worry.

Oh the kids need them both. Love tempered with reason.

And so God bless SM with perseverance. She needs support, desperately. Raise your hands if you’re with her, people.

That’s how the kids spread themselves over three mattresses. Now consider squeezing two adults in there.
Still wondering whether you should raise your hand in SM’s support?