I watch mom sitting at the dining table, working on a flower arrangement. She peels away the cellophane binding the bouquet, sorts and discards wilted flowers, trims the long-stemmed lily buds and arranges them carefully in a vase.
The nurse stands beside her, oxymeter in hand, ‘Aunty, oxygen check kar lijiye,’ (Aunty, let me check your oxygen level) she says. Mom fixes her with a stare that she would have reserved for her most recalcitrant student and answers stiffly, ‘Yeh kaam toh khatam kar lein.’ (Let me finish what I’m doing).
I watch her, the knot of worry tightening in my stomach aware that even the simplest activity causes her oxygen levels to drop. I also know intervention from me, ‘siding’ with the nurse, will make mom even more defiant. ‘Don’t gang up upon me,’ is one of her favourite catchphrases these days.
Mom has been an overactive, over achiever, perfectionist all her life. Whether it was her days as a university professor, or when she was cooking and baking or when she was being a mom to us. She believes in diving in, immersing herself in any task she takes up and completing it to perfection. She is not a delegator.
She’s a ‘do’er.
Days after being discharged from the hospital she rejected the wheelchair. Two weeks later she’s still unsteady on her feet. Yet she refuses to sit still, refuses to accept help. When we try to hold her she shrugs us off. When we reach for her hands she hides them behind her back.
On days that she’s more accommodating she offers us a finger, one single finger to hold. ‘Fine’, we tell her, ‘we understand the need to be independent. Use a stick.’
‘Only old people use a stick,’ she retorts.
She is 80.
The other day I was laying the table for lunch. I looked up to find she had slipped passed the nurse and apparated right into the dining room by herself.
Much as this desire for independence is frustrating for all of us as care-givers, we remind ourselves that it is this very determination that fuels her recovery.
She makes sure she eats full healthy meals even though antibiotics have dulled her tastebuds, she never forgets her medicine, never complains about the protein supplement even though she dislikes it.
She’s an ideal patient, except that she isn’t patient at all.
As she recovers, she is finding it increasingly hard to sit back and get things done rather than doing it all herself. It takes a whole different kind of mental shift, one I’m not sure she’s even capable of.
Experts have debated the famous quote attributed to Darwin ‘Survival of the fittest’. The actual quote goes something like this:
It is not the most intellectual of the species that survives; it is not the strongest that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able best to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself.
And that should be our mantra as we get older. No matter how simple or healthy one’s lifestyle is, one needs to examine it in light of changed circumstances. And one needs to be open to tweaking it to fit what is right for this new time and age.
Life nudges us towards flexibility, towards finding value in new ways of doing things. For some of us, that shift comes naturally, for others, it’s an uphill battle.
And while I know (and appreciate) how fiercely mom clings to who she has always been, I hope she can learn to soften, to make room for a different kind of strength.
Fingers crossed.
Tulika, wishing your mom a speedy recovery but then she is already halfway there. Love her energy and independence, moms are such precious people :). Reading about your mum reminded me of mine, she was fiercely independent and jovial even when she turned 80. I guess if she is not patient, you have to be. Hugs
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You write about mom with so much love that your posts make for the most heartwarming reads. My key takeaway is going to be – ‘If she is not patient you have to be’. It is toughest balancing act – to get her to listen without driving her in the exact opposite direction.
I face the same problem with my mother-in-law. She just finds it so hard to take help from anyone. She lives alone in another city and would just not give up her independence. There are times when she may not be well, but she wouldn’t reach out for help. I guess, with age, one has got to accept and take a little help. Hope your mum is feeling better, Tulika.
It’s frightening, right? To have an elderly person living alone far from where you are? A friend of mine who lives in the US got CCTV cameras installed when her father insisted on living alone. And it proved useful because he had a heart condition. I can only imagine my mom’s outrage if I suggested anything like this.
Reading your post made me realise how, as children of strong and fiercely independent mothers, we are caught in this strange predicament of admiring the resilient side of them that does not give up easily on the one hand and worrying about them not being “pliant” enough to adapt to the changed circumstances, on the other! It’s quite a challenge, and I completely relate to it, because I’ve been experiencing this with my mom for the past 5 odd years, since she has moved in with us after my dad passed on and she was detected with the big C. It’s made me feel proud of her spirit and exasperated by her refusal to take help, to see her struggle to do the things she’s always done independently and yet, make her understand that she’s getting older and no longer as flexible and physically able as she used to be. Sending you hugs, Tulika. Hang in there. If there’s any consolation from this, it is this – at least, we know how we would do things differently, when age catches up with us. 🙂
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Thanks Esha. It’s somehow reassuring to know that there are others in the same situation as I am. Now, since I’m back it’s my sister who has to shoulder much of the responsibility. It’s so very hard.
When parents are stubborn, “parenting” them is a whole different game. Your mom is so cute 😀 I love that energy, that spark 😀 Although, it is challenging for you.
I remember when Dad was discharged from the hospital a few years ago, I had to chase after him and make him stop lifting heavy things and sit in one place.
I wish your mom a speedy recovery. 🙂
Thanks Raj. That’s exactly what we’re going through.
Hey I didn’t know your mom was in the hospital, Tulika!
This post just shows how resilient she is. Wishing her a speedy recover and hoping she is fully fit and fine soon. I so admire independent women who stay resilient like this well into their 80s. That’s inspiring at a wholly different level. Much love to her and you too.
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Thanks Shailaja. Admirable as it is, handling strong-willed independent women is the hardest task. We’re keeping our fingers crossed.
Let me also just say how happy it makes me to see you here. Welcome back.
Tulika, your words bring me right into the room, watching alongside you, feeling both the pride and the tension in every small, defiant action of your mom. It’s such a beautiful tribute to her strength and fierce independence. You’ve captured the bittersweet mix of worry and admiration so gracefully, showing how that same determination fuels her recovery yet makes it so hard to let go.
“‘Only old people use a stick,’ she retorts. She is 80.” This line made me laugh because I’m someone who has a tendency to fall and can’t wait to use a stick to help me walk without a tumble! Adaptability truly is a powerful quality that helps us mere humans to navigate life’s inevitable twists and turns. But I also realize, that as we get older, it may not be our strong suit.
Wishing you both resilience and balance for the journey ahead. ❤️ Fingers crossed indeed.
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It’s the same for me Vinitha. I’d be glad to use a stick or whatever help I might need. Which is why I find it hard to understand her. Why would one want to risk injury when it can easily avoided? Where’s the hurry to get well rightaway? None of us have answers. We keep hoping good sense will prevail with mom.
Firstly, hats off to your mom! It is that zest to get better and move ahead that matters the most. Sometimes, it sure is all in the mind.
I totally agree with your post. I think it was Charles Schulz who said “I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” You can only get used to it when you adapt to it not by giving in to it. This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my 30s.
This is something I keep reminding myself. Adapting to new and changed circumstances is the only way to be happy. I find I cannot do things I could twenty years ago. And I have learnt to be okay with that.