Hello hello dear friends. I’m back home after a month and a half and it feels …… strange. Strange in a nice way. That said, I’m also missing home – my original home, the one I grew up in, my parents’ house.
It’s a confusing feeling, isn’t it? This idea of having two homes? Two places you love equally, constantly wishing you could be in both at once.
Even though I’m a lot like my mom and have tried to take forward many of her ways, both homes have hugely different rhythms, different ways of doing things. Because she and I are very different people, even while being similar.
A big part of this difference also comes from H and N. They have pushed me to re-calibrate, re-think, re-organise our home. Perhaps, I am more easygoing than my mom, more accommodating. Or maybe it’s a generational shift — our generation was more pliable, while today’s children prefer to define their own systems.
Do you feel this too? The difference between the way your mom ran her house and how you run yours?
If we were having coffee together…
……I’d tell you that H being at college and my absence from home were the best things that could have happened for N and my husband.
During the twin’s growing up years, he was often away. I have always been the more available parent, which is why, when I’m around, the children tend to gravitate towards me.
People say daughters are closer to their fathers and sons to their mothers, but that’s not always true. N and I are incredibly alike. I understand her in ways no one else does. I worry sometimes, that she doesn’t have other connections as deep as ours. It feels like a huge responsibility, one that should be shared at least by both parents, if not also with cousins and aunts and friends.
My being away gave her and her father the time and space to bond.
I see it now in the little things.
I see them making tea for each other, getting out each-other’s favourite biscuits. I see them watching documentaries together and when he drifts into her room, ‘Sit na papa’, she tells him, rather than rolling her eyes or shutting the door.
Perhaps, she’s growing up, readying to leave behind the terrible teens, maturing in ways that are both reassuring and delightful.
Both of them have been absolute rockstars and have borne my absence without a word of complaint, without making any demands on my time.
If we were having coffee together….
……I’d allow myself a little gloating. I’d tell you how proud I am that the house ran smoothly in my absence. It’s proof that the systems I’ve put in place work well. Isn’t that the sign of a good manager?
Even the store functioned well while I was away, with my husband stepping in when needed. That’s comforting because it means I can begin cutting down my time there and get back to editing and writing – things I love and enjoy more than anything else.
If we were having coffee together….
…..I’d totally recommend a month (or more) away from home, if you can make it possible.
It’s transformative.
It helps put things in perspective and has the potential to change your entire outlook towards life.
You are, for sure, an excellent manager, who has trained her team very well! Kudos to N and her dad ;P
This is the second post (after Raj’s poem) on mothers and daughters, and it feels close to home as I too have been spending time with my mom, as she has been unwell. My mom and I are quite similar in many ways, but I wish I could be like her 100%, which won’t be happening in this lifetime for me!
Stepping away from home for a month is another thing that won’t happen with me, as my winged babies are used to me more than they are to my husband. So leaving them (and hubby) even for a week, or a day, will stay an unrealised dream. But that’s okay, as I have made peace with it. Having said that, I do wonder sometimes, how it would be if I had to go away for a few days, leaving hubby and the babies. How would they manage? It would give me a (much-needed) break, but at what cost? Umm..no, I think, I am fine where I am–with them. 🙂
Shilpa Gupte recently put up this amazing post…Moods matter.
Having pets is like having toddlers who never really grow up, so I suppose they’ll need you around all the time. But they’re your comfort zone too so that’s wonderful. I’m curious – do you think you could ever travel with them? Take them along? Can they sit in cars/taxis for longish periods?
That’s wonderful that you were away and the home functioned so well. I typically travel for a week or two away, and the husband and son have managed quite well without me. But not this long. I think sons are very close to their moms (from personal experience). But my sis has a daughter, and they are thick as thieves, so I guess, it is true both ways. How are the twins handling one being away and one at home? Are they feeling any different?
I think closeness isn’t related to gender at all. Children forge deeper connections with the parent who is more involved and available – not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. Often it is the moms who get that privilege. So, lucky us!
I think this is the first time I’ve seen a woman take pride in how the house runs in her absence and hats off to you for that! I absolutely hate it when women say “They can’t function without me”, “He cannot do the basics without me”. It is almost like they want that dependency to exist as part of their identity.
You my dear are amazing!
Soumya recently put up this amazing post…Unapologetically Me
Some credit is due to my husband and children too. But it’s amazingly liberating once one learns to let go. I know, in my absence, things won’t work exactly the way they do when I’m around but I have learnt to be okay with that. As long as everyone is alive and thriving when I get back, that’s enough :-).
A month without you! I have to say excellent training ☺️ I am glad it worked out all go. Kids sometimes show maturity beyond their age. It is both endearing and a bit sad too because they grow up fast and you still want them to be your little baby. I too call my parents’ house home… I don’t know if this will ever change ☺️
Rajlakshmi recently put up this amazing post…2 days in Taupō New Zealand North Island Road trip
No it won’t change. Even though my parents no longer live in the house I grew up in, wherever they are will always be ‘home’ for me.
Aww I can just imagine the momma bear in you bursting with pride at seeing N and your husband bond! I know that feeling and yes, highly recommend time away from the family. My parents live right here in the city and I’ve done this ‘leave-them-alone’ bit multiple times in the past. It’s done wonders for their bonding!
How is H adapting to college life? And how are you coping with the half-empty nest?
Shailaja Vishwanath recently put up this amazing post…It All Begins with Gratitude
That is wonderful. I know of many women whose homes are in the same city and they rarely go to stay with their parents.
H is doing fine. He has a good group of friends – part nerds part fun – for which I’m grateful. I think I’ve adjusted well too after the initial wrench, better than I imagined.
My mom and I have wildly differing ways of managing the home, something that we still sometimes argue about! I spent the month away from home for the first time this August and it was wonderful! Though I did miss my comfy sofa and my rhythms quite a bit!
Modern Gypsy recently put up this amazing post…November 2024 reading wrap up
True, I missed my home too – the more easygoing pace of it.
How wonderful it is to read your coffee post, Tulika. I’m glad to hear that the systems you’ve put in place are running efficiently even in your absence. You are a good manager, of course.
I completely agree that stepping away from home for a few days can help everyone find their rhythm without us. I’ve never done that myself, but I think it’s something I need to try!
❤️
Vinitha recently put up this amazing post…If I Didn’t Need Sleep
It’s a little early for you maybe. It depends on how hands on your partner is. My husband was away a lot while the children were growing up so I was majorly homebound. It’s only now that they are independent that I can step out without a care.