Dear teen,
You’re out in the world, on your own. ‘Finally!’ I hear you say under your breath, even as mine catches in my throat at the thought of you gone.
I know I know you find the maudlin stuff ‘cringe’ so I’ll save it for my private journal. Let’s strike a deal — I’ll dial down the emotion if you dial down the eyerolls and let’s get down to practicalities.
Now that I won’t be around as much, here’s a list I made to help you be your own mum. I hope you find value in it.
1. Don’t skip breakfast
It sets the tone for a healthy day. Eat well. Build exercise into your routine. Stay fit. That’s the best gift you can give me.
2. Keep clean
Following basic hygiene isn’t the same as being foppish. Have a bath every day. Use soap and shampoo and deodorant. Shave. Wash. Clean. Get that haircut. Keep your clothes, your desk, your room clean.
3. Work hard (and smart)
There will be no one to push you or wake you up or to remind you to stop gaming and start studying. Use your time wisely. Take shortcuts, but make sure they’re smart ones. Honest effort is recognised and valued – sooner rather than later.
4. Don’t compromise on the basics
Stay away from drugs, all kinds. Don’t do it; not for fun, not just to try, not even once. Don’t lie or steal or cheat. Believe me, life can be fun without all of that. High drama often comes with high risks and huge downfalls.
5. Practice saying No
I’ve found ‘No’ to be a handy parenting tool, as you well know. You’ll see its value too. Practice saying it. Prepare yourself, have the exact words ready in your head for times when you have to use them. Listen to your gut, if something feels wrong, it probably is.
6. Make friends
Friends are your new family. Drop the judgement, be open and invest deeply in friendships. Make all kinds of friends – people like you, people unlike you. Don’t let profession or age or sex be barriers to true friendships.
7. Do not call us for every little problem
When faced with a hurdle, pause, think, ‘Can I sort this myself?’ ‘What’s the worst that can happen if I make a wrong decision?’ If you can handle that ‘worst’ go for it. Not only will it save us much anxiety, it will also strengthen your decision-making skills and belief in yourself. No matter what the outcome.
Addendum: Do not hesitate to reach out to us
If life overwhelms you, call us. Call us if you need advice or someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. Call us if you’ve messed up really bad. Call us without a thought. Papa and I will always be here. We will always have your back.
I promise not to say ‘I told you so’. I’ve been practicing.
8. Give me a just-like-that call sometimes
I know you’re having an exciting life and I know that just because you aren’t calling me it doesn’t mean you don’t love me but sometimes it’s good to hear it in your voice. Keep me updated.
Addendum: Don’t begrudge me the occasional stalking.
I promise to outgrow it soon-ish.
9. Remember, you can come home any time.
You can never do anything so bad you cannot come home.
10. Lastly, most importantly, if you do not do the SRK finger shake when you come home I shall disown you without a thought.
Bye for now. Let me go try to fill the YOU shaped hole in my heart with cake, Netflix and other similar stuff.
Love, ma.
Solid, practical advice there OM. It’s most important to let them know they are loved no matter what.
And, i love point 10 of course …
Hugs to you.. take care!
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Oh hello Priya. So good to see you here. And thank you, glad you agree.
Solid advice Tulika. I loved your tone, thoughts, and points coming from the mum’s heart.
From a mum of an “I’m almost an adult” kid I feel you.
But I’m sure your mothering and parenting will hold him in good stead.
All the best for college
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Thank you Indy. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Oh, this post made me very emotional. I wish him all the very best. Blessings.
‘Remember, you can come home any time.
You can never do anything so bad you cannot come home.’
Very-very important. Every child deserves this assurance, every parent needs to say this to their child.
And the last point, haha! You’re a true Shahrukh fan.
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Thank you so much Tarang. I remembered your story from the Blogchatter anthology and I believe it’s important to get our children to realise – that nothing can change the love we feel for them. As for my love for SRK – that’s also unchangeable :-).
This felt so dejavu, Tulika! Been here, exactly, where you stand, last year, this time and I remember telling him these things (not #10, though;-) College is a big step in their journey and we as parents can always bank on the values that we have taught them to stay safe and be willing to push back the boundaries as they grow out of the teen years and embrace adulthood! Thankfully, you have one of them with you, which must be such a blessing! As a mom, I know that mix of bitter-sweet, Tulika! Hugs, my dear.
I knew you’d understand Esha. We’ve spoken about how hard it is. Like my sister says, it’s when the children step away that our values and upbringing are really put to the test. So fingers crossed. And yes, having N is the biggest blessing.
This left me teary-eyed, Tulika. Mine is in 10th this year but the thought of her leaving home in a few years is overwhelming. Hugs and love to you mama. May your boy have a fantastic college life.
Oh I get that. I had thought I was prepared for this but no one can really prepare you for the way it takes you over. Thanks for dropping by Eva.
Oh Tulika, my eyes welled up reading this. Time flies. I have been reading your posts about the kids for so long that it seems surreal that they are ready to start college. Hugs. I know it isn’t easy letting go. But that’s the way of life. I loved everything you mentioned here. Wishing both of them and you, all the very best for this new phase.
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You have been an integral part of H and N’s growing up years. I have shared so much about their (and my) journey through the years that writing about sending H off to college does feel strange. Enjoy M’s years before she’s off too. Thank you for the wishes.
Awwiee.. moved by this! So the kids are finally independent. I think just like your son will face so many challenges, so will you. There could be a sudden feeling of being usefless, guilty at times, sometimes you catch your laughter in your throat thinking, should you be enjoying? After spending years being there for the kids, being for your own self is a bit challenging.
All is not so bleak though. My elder son who moved out of the house to live independently as soon as he got a job, was back home in 6 months saying he missed us too much. So, they will value us a bit more and love us a bit more too.
I’m going through much of this right now. The biggest sore point is the cooking. N isn’t much of a foodie and with H gone I feel like I have no one to cook for, that when I am not even much of a chef. And I’m ever so grateful for the phone that keeps us connected.
So good to see you here Lata. We miss you at the BAR. Why aren’t you writing?
Hahaha that last one. You better stand at the door with puja ki thali and tears flowing down your face
This reminds me – I should give my mom a just like that call.
You know, I actually never called my parents when I was stressed or troubled with life issues. They probably would have liked to know, but I just never wished them to know that I was unhappy. I was too much of a grown up I hope my son doesn’t turn out like me.
I wish him good luck.
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Thanks for the wishes Raj.
As for tears, I don’t think I could summon them at all. I do hope our children can share their troubles with us though, like you, I only told my parents about my troubles only after I’d dealt with them.
Point 10 is an absolute must! ABSOLUTE MUST! 😀
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I knew you’d agree.
That SRK mention!
This morning I was watching SRK’s latest interview which dropped on YouTube yesterday and I thought of you. I thought of sending you the link to the interview. Then I thought thoda cheesy-gooey toh nahin ho jaayega 😀 And, so I refrained.
With all these points, I know I am going to come back to this blogpost a few years later when I will sail in the same boat.
Let’s talk one of these days.
Arey nothing is too cheesy when it comes to SRK. I am always glad to read bout him. Never think twice before sending me anything about him.
Aww!! I do hope H reads your blogs!! Best of luck to him!!
He did read it and called it ‘cute’. That’s as good a compliment as any.
Aww, this is so sweet, Tulika. Let me know if you get the SRK fingershake. Better yet, get a video of it when you do.
Not calling the parents for every problem and knowing when to call is a big part of growing up, right? I think parents and kids are put to the test here. How much we and they trust in their ability to take care of themselves and how much they trust us in having their back.
It’s a happy feeling when the little people grow up and prove our worries wrong by taking good care of themselves in our absence, isn’t it? I felt all gooey inside when my 7-year-old wanted to cross the road by himself during school pick-up.
Hugs, Tulika.
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Thank you for the video idea. Will put the daughter onto it. It’s a wonderful feeling to watch your children grow up. When the leave the nest it’s bitter sweet.