I unlock the door and enter. I switch on the lights, deposit my bag on the living room sofa, change and get my dinner.
The house is quiet. Too quiet. The moment I become aware of it, the silence seems to grow and surge. Within moments it is all I can think of. Close on its heels follows the thought, ‘I am so alone’.
Before the feeling can overwhelm me, I reach for the TV remote and navigate to my current favourite sitcom. Mr Kim’s comforting Korean English calms me down and soon I’m smiling along with the Kim family.
It’s been a while since I’ve been home alone, 18 years to be precise, ever since the children came along. Oh I’ve been alone when they’ve been at school or on an outing and I have enjoyed those hours of peace. I have longed for them, missed them sorely even, when I haven’t had the house to myself for a while.
Knowing that my solitude was short-lived made it enjoyable, precious. But this is different. Being completely on my own knowing that the husband and the children are out of the city, makes me uncomfortable.
It wasn’t always like this. I spent years at working women’s hostels where privacy was a rare commodity. I longed for a place of my own. After marriage I finally had my own home. The husband travelled a lot and though I missed him, I cherished my solitude.
Many people dislike coming home to an empty house. Not me.
Each small ritual — unlocking the door, switching on the lights, putting on music, cooking for myself — each of those proclaimed my independence. There was a satisfaction of sorts in the thought that I could do anything, everything all on my own. I revelled in my aloneness. I’d change up room settings, rearrange the furniture, adding a throw here, a cushion there. I’d read or paint or tinker with my plants.
And then BAM, there was a hormonal shift of some kind when I was expecting the children. Suddenly the thought of being on my own would fill me with panic. Alone with my thoughts, I would find my emotions spiralling. Somehow all my internal turmoil (which I wasn’t even aware of) would be amplified making every moment a challenge.
I was on bed rest for much of the time. I well remember, while the husband would be at work I’d sit in the balcony for hours just looking out at people as they went about their lives to rid myself of the feeling of being completely alone.
Ever since then I haven’t been able to trust myself in solitude. The panic has dulled over the years but its memory lingers – strange and frightening.
This time, however, I had no choice.
I was apprehensive but prepared. I kept myself busy, I walked, I meditated and I spent my day working. With some help from Mr Kim I managed pretty well.
Loneliness is such a mental construct and so deeply connected with our internal well-being. It’s interesting how it isn’t merely about the physical absence of others. Rather it is intricately linked to how we are feeling in those moments.
On one hand it can be ever so relaxing, freeing us from the pressures of social interaction. On the other, it can become overwhelmingly unbearable.
In the end, it is about being at peace with one’s own self and that, dear friends, is the hardest to achieve.
So tell me – have you ever felt a sense of panic on being alone? In a new place, perhaps? Or your first time away from home? Or are you fortunate enough to never have experienced it?
I can imagine your feelings, but for now, I cannot empathize as I always crave solitude. With my husband working from home since covid days, I am never alone at home. When he travels for work I enjoy staying at home by myself. But I know that when my kids go to college I wouldn’t feel as happy being alone and enjoying the solitude.
Thinking about it doesn’t make me sad though. Honestly, I am curious to find out how I would feel then.
Vinitha recently put up this amazing post…Fiction Monday – 211
I’m not surprised Vinitha. Till a week back I was longing for solitude but now suddenly I get restless and panicked if I’m alone.
Beautiful, soothing write-up.
I love my solitude. And I don’t remember ever feeling uncomfortable staying alone. Maybe because I seldom get my ‘just me’ time. But I can understand what you mean. When the family, especially the children, are out of the city, it can feel different.
For me, solitude is healing. When I am sad/upset/angry/frustrated, just leave me alone, and I’ll be okay after some time.
Tarang recently put up this amazing post…मारिया…(My Hindi Translation of Maria by Parvathy)
I get what you said about being alone. I love it too except when anxiety drops by to mess it up :-).
Good to see you here Tarang.
I enjoy my company. I do have my babies to keep me busy, but otherwise, I am alone during the day and don’t mind it much. The solitude allows me to work in peace. However, there are days when it gets lonely, especially in the evenings when it’s time for hubby to return home and he is late. I think it’s the hormones that sometimes make me anxious and scared to be alone, and sometimes, happy with my own company. 🙂
Shilpa Gupte recently put up this amazing post…What I carry in my heart.
I have debated many times about getting a pet. That would be the perfect antidote to all anxieties, but the commitment scares me. As for hormones, let’s not even begin to talk about them.
First of all, hugs, dear Tulika! I hear you and can totally understand the feeling, having been there myself many a times, over the years! All I know is that it isn’t easy to deal with.
And, yes, as you rightly pointed out, it all depends on the mood you’re in, at that point. The silence can be deafening at times and the mind spirals out of control,all too quickly, even before we know it. But, I can tell you is you will get over this sooner than you know.
I’m assuming it’s the kids leaving home for further studies that has been the tough thing to navigate for you at this point. Of course, it’s easy for anyone to advise others, but, you know what, it’s one of those things that we’re all dealing with, in varying degrees and I’ve been in the throes of it last year, this time, when our son left for college.
Even for someone like me who is quite comfortable being alone at home, there have been times when this has hit really hard. Not so much panic but just feeling isolated.
I wish with a wave of a magic wand I could somehow swish away that feeling for you, Tulika! You’ll come out of it soon…for now, just hang in there, and trust me this too shall pass!!
Esha recently put up this amazing post…The Grand Old Tree at Telavi | #Thursday Tree Love
I remember talking about this when we last met and so I was/am sort of prepared. Mercifully one of mine will remain home so that’s a huge relief. This was only when they’d gone to their grandparents’ home for a week. It was a good trial and I did get by, so that’s a relief.
I don’t think I have panicked, sad yes, on numerous occasions. Lonely too. I even have funny drawing of me being lonely and all dramatic. The only time I came close to anxious was during the last few weeks of pregnancy when I didn’t want to be alone in case. I think the survival instincts kick in and subconsciously we want to do the best to keep the baby safe.
If you haven’t jumped on the bandwagon of korean dramas, I suggest this is the right time. They are the best mood lifters ️♀️
Oh I watched a few K dramas then swore off them because they’re so darned addictive. I prefer sitcoms – 20 minutes and you can move on.
PS: I want to see that drawing please.
I quite like my company, so don’t think would mind it too much… But…how much is too much solitude, one never knows! Enjoy yours till it lasts!
That’s the thing – I love my company too. I enjoy being alone. I cannot quite explain what happens on the odd days that panic sets in. Mercifully I have learnt to manage it, somewhat.