This post was the pick of the week at Monday Mommy Moments.
If you follow me on Facebook you would have seen this update on my timeline a few days back.
And that was just a five-minute snippet of my entire day. Children can certainly drive you to the brink. Sometimes I think they are part of God’s master plan to teach us patience.
I yell at the twins. Multiple times a day. What follows is worse – they grow sullen and I am left with the feeling that I messed up, that I could have done better, that it really wasn’t worth it. Also, as they grow, I find yelling losing its effectiveness. If you have a tween at home you’ll know the eye-rolls and the arguing and the doors being shut. Oh! the door banging – how it provokes me!
And then it goes completely downhill.
I’ve blogged about this before . And I still remember the look on my daughter’s face after the incident I spoke about in that post. She was barely able to talk, back then.
Never had I experienced such extreme emotional outbursts as I have since the children came along. Click To TweetIt is only a few years ago that I became aware of the necessity of keeping my cool.
Anger vitiates the home atmosphere and we say things we wish we never should have. Click To TweetAlso, I wonder what example I’m setting for the children (yeah always, always the weight of being a role model). Besides, it is such a dreadful time waster.
So here are five ways in which I am trying to get past my anger.
Being aware of specific triggers
This has been tremendously helpful. I have learnt to recognise my triggers. There are specific times during the day when I’m most likely to lose my temper – Mornings would be the worst, then come study-time and bedtime. In fact whenever there’s a deadline to meet I know a yell is round the corner. So those are the times I plan for and remind myself to keep my cool.
Removing yourself from the scene
I’d almost forgotten this one till a friend reminded me of it on that Facebook thread. It works better for older children. For instance after I give them their breakfast in the morning, I tell them to watch the clock and get busy with other morning chores. I would have done myself a world of good had I not sat watching H wear that sock that day.
What’s the worse that can happen?
That’s a question I ask myself as I feel my patience slipping. So they’re slow in the morning, they’ll miss part of their breakfast. Or they’ll miss the bus. At night they’ll go to bed half an hour late. Is that worth yelling? Often it isn’t. Would it delay us further? In most cases it does. Oh and if they have flouted one of the unbreakable rules they have a yell coming and I do it without a twinge of guilt because I know they well deserve it.
Take a break, make yourself happy
This one is important because if I’m stressed or unhappy my patience runs dry way faster. I make time for myself. So I have a quiet cup of tea before I wake them in the morning. Or I try to meet up with friends in the evening – that’s absolutely therapeutic.
Partner up with your children
Long back when the children were really small we had the concept of an Angel Day when everyone would try to be good. That still works sometimes. Also, when I’m expecting a stressful day, if I have a work deadline or we’re having visitors for instance, I warn them off. It helps immensely that they’re older and understand me more. On good days not only do they tone down their squabbling, they also lend a hand with the chores.
That said, there still are days, many more of them than what I’d like, when I forget and give way to impatience. But I’m trying and getting better at it most certainly.
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This was just the thing I needed to read today. We had a meltdown at home earlier in the day, and things went out of control fast. Eventually things settled down, apologies and hugs followed, but these episodes leave back such a bad aftertaste, and loads of guilt, that 99% of time they are just not worth it. And yet they happen. Sigh.
Nonetheless, I am feeling a lot better after reading this. Such good advice. I need to get better at identifying my triggers.
Yeah, that’s the thing. Being conscious of your anger and knowing the times it is most likely to strike really helps.
This is such good advice. I am guilty of bottling everything up and then exploding. I think it would be better if I dealt with it a bit at a time. This is a very useful post, thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond
Oh yes. I do the bottling up sometimes too because I am so very afraid of venting. The only thing is when I do air my feeling it’s a huge explosion. Dealing it bit by bit or better still letting it go would be ideal.
We are all human and it is only natural sometimes to lose the plot and yell – well that is what I tell myself anyway. My teens always say that if I yell they switch off and I point out that my yelling is the last resort after polite requests are refused, ignored or apparently not heard. Yelling is not communicating though so I find the best thing for me is to take a deep breath and either walk away or count to ten before adopting the calm route. That is not to say it always works. The key is not to beat yourself up about it if it doesn’t always work like that. #TweensTeensBeyond
I agree. Yelling isn’t really effective after a point. It’s just that remembering not to yell becomes difficult and requires a lot of practice.
Not yelling is a constant struggle, struggle to keep watching upon ourselves. With one, it is not easy, I can just imagine what it would be like with two.
Heh heh Anamika somedays it’s hard, somedays not so bad. That’s the thing about parenting.
Letting them do her thing while I get my housework done is a necessity.I will have no other way of getting things done !Not yelling is hard .But you are right that its spoils the mood and air of the home.Thank you for writing with us for #MondayMommyMoments
Thanks Amrita. It makes me feel terrible after I’ve yelled and it takes ages for all of us to get back to normal. Hence the effort.
Hat’s off to you lady firstly to writw such a wonderful post secondly to talk about patience and parterning with kids and most important sharing the wisdom with struggling mommies like us.
Thank you for dropping by Dipika. New age parenting, in the absence of immediate extended family, is about sharing tips and tricks from other moms. Glad if any of this helps you.
I know how difficult it is as I have one teen and one tween at home. The funny part is that tween behaves more like a teen and she really tests my patience with her tantrums at times. I like your tips and agree the days when everyone behaves well is such a happy day. You have two pre teens. A big hug and more power to you. Thanks for linking up with #MondayMommyMoments. 🙂
A teen and a tween! That’s a deadlier combination than any. I’m hoping things sort themselves out as they kids grow up a little… and I used to think toddlerhood was hard!!
Hey , I liked your idea of Angel day…I am sure to follow it once my lil one is grows up a bit more…
It’s fun and it works better for younger children. Thanks Anubhuti.
I really liked the idea of partnering up with your child. It’s tough but possible! (hope!)
Yes it is possible, specially as the children get older and begin to understand your stresses and pressures.
Tulika, I have written in many of my posts that children are God’s way of instilling patience in us. Were we so patient before motherhood? I don’t remember if I was. I have also starting to let go things and over look things. Goin to bed half an hour late or playing till late are things not worth our yelling.
Absolutely. It’s just that one forgets all of that in a moment of anger. It really isn’t worth it.
A big hug to you, Tulika. I know it’s not easy for you since you have twins. Let me tell you that it gets easier when kids grow up. I am glad that AG has passed the stage where I had to yell at him. It’s cool now, now that he is a teenager and also that we meet after months. Those are pretty good strategies and hope you have yell free days 🙂
You have a point Shilpa. I think the idea of giving each other space works in a mother-child relationship too specially as they get older. We’re together all the time so that’s an issue and also the fact that with the Husband away I’m the only one trying to get them to do things. It can get pretty painful.
I needed this post. Just had an outburst this morning. and now I tell myself that I must relax and breathe easy. The fact is when the matter cools down I really tell myself to relax, walk away and control . But at the spur of the moment I just lose it!!!!
Yeah that happens. You don’t even realise it and you’re in the middle of a massive outburst. But being aware of the triggers helps. And one does get better with practice.
Oh yes – always the mornings for me. Not helped by the menopausal sweats I have to say. Yes – I’m drinking in your advice, know how it feels to be terrorised by a sock and I’m sending you lovely calming vibes. #tweensteensbeyond
Thanks Nicky. I think mornings are the worst for most of us – the pressure to finish everything in time is what does it.
Never had I experienced such extreme emotional outbursts as I have since the children came along. – This is what scares me the most about having children. I doubt if I’ll have the patience for that.
Apart from that, I’ll tell you when I get there 🙂
Soumya all I’ll say is that when I say ‘extreme emotion’ it works both ways. While it’s true I hadn’t known I could get so very angry I also hadn’t know I could feel so much love or so much sadness. There was time I hardly ever cried at films – now I do it all the time. It’s like they opened some emotional tap in me and it’s not all bad.
I can so relate to it. All I look for is a no-yell day, but it’s not happening anytime soon and with a kid just entering the tween zone, I am just praying that I continue to hold on to my sanity. I haven’t tried removing myself from the scene and that’s what I am planning to implement.
Ah yes I know something about tweens – they can truly drive you crazy. Somedays I am hanging by a very slim thread. Good luck Neha.
When my nephew changed school, he began coming over at our place everyday. I took it upon myself to help him with his homework etc, so that his mom wouldn’t have too much to deal with after a busy day at work. That’s when my patience began going for a dip. I would yell, admonish, scowl and frighten the poor boy. Over time, I realised how futile it was! I was only losing my energy. Over time, I changed my tactics. We became friends – chums who can talk about anything (at least now before he hits his teens!) – and thus I got work done better. Now, at the end of the day, when it’s time for him to go back home, almost all of his studies are done and we both are in a good mood, too. It all feels great! I am hoping the trend continues even a few years from now! 😛
Yes, the days when he stays here overnight, the mornings-after can try my patience a lot. He just goes into the slo-mo mode and I reach boiling point when I see him doing the exact same thing you described up there – one sock up, one look at the toy car…you got the drift? 😀
Ha ha … yes I get it. Kids can be infuriating. One has to try all kinds of strategies – different ones work for different children as also for different age groups. A parents’ task is so very tough sometimes.
So many hugs coming your way. I know this isn’t easy and you have two of the same age so it’s double trouble. Tweens are tough to handle with their awkwardness and defiance in full blown gear. I agree with all your tips to handle the anger demon. They work very well when practiced consistently. Thought of having a yell-free counter on the blog’s sidebar? That has motivated me like nothing else. Each day I log in, see that and it’s a great reminder.
To be honest Shailaja, I’m not sure I’d be able to stick to a no-yell pact just yet. I’m just looking at minimising it, for now. Or maybe I need to begin right away – take it up for just one day or one week and see how it goes.
Oh God, Tulika, just yesterday M was so so cranky and naughty. I tried everything but at the end, I lost my patience and now I’m feeling guilty. How do you do it? How do mums do it? I don’t know if I can even implement what you have pointed out here. I’m so low on patience by the time I go home and it’s not fair because she’s away from me the whole day and I shouldn’t lose it so soon. 🙁
Hugs Naba. If it’s any consolation – it gets better as they grow, way better. The first two years are the toughest. Don’t beat yourself over it. try outsourcing as many of your evening chores as possible. It’s the pressure of the daily grind that makes it worse.
I don’t know how you manage tweens. I had a crush with my little cousin and that did it. It’s so difficult to get them so something. I would rather climb a mountain than make a three yr old do his homework. These are great tips… Hope you have more yell free days 🙂
Thanks Raj. I need it. I had an extra stormy morning today. Tweens are tough but the good bit is at least in their good moments they understand what you’re trying to say. So I’m just glad for small mercies.
I am totally against yelling and saying nasty things. Of late, I’ve noticed that my yelling has come down a lot. Maybe, the kids have become easier or I have attained the much-needed Zen. 🙂 But yes, I am more conscious and I’ve partnered with the kids. If I lose my temper, I sit down and talk it out with them. And this communication has helped things. To top it, the younger son regularly compliments me calling me kind and understanding. That motivates me to keep doing the good thing. If once in a while, I do yell, I don’t lose my sleep over it.
Touchwood to that Rachna. Glad you’re in a good place. I seem to be struggling all the time. It must be wonderful to hear your younger one say you’re kind. I love it when children, specially boys, are expressive.